Changing “Slow”

A conversation with an EFT supervisee:

"I think I need to learn how to go slow."

"Oh? Tell me more."

"I just think maybe with certain clients, I'm not getting there because I'm not staying with the emotion."

"I see. So, there are times that you feel you're missing it somehow and it makes sense you might need to heighten emotion or stay longer there?"

As I listened more, it dawned on me that we EFTers always say, "Go slow" and I think (especially for stage 1), we need to change that to "Go boldly IN" - it's a really active move for the therapist. Slow has a passive connotation.

If you've had a corrective emotional experience with the EFT model, you know it happened when you were OUT THERE - in the room, wedged right between the partners - between their inner world and you. There's nothing slow about that. Everything happens fast. You have to be faster. And, you don't necessarily have to know what's going to happen next. Or how to do perfect EFT (which isn't a thing, btw). You just have to be with them - actively holding their experience and interrupting their protection.

Sample active move in session (I'm totally making this up - no client experience here):

Ct: "Can you believe what he did? There's no way I can trust him. He's a moron! He doesn't..."

Therapist: "I need to stop you right now. I see you. I want to make sure I hear you. Your body language tells me you've had enough. Like, how could you ever trust him? You really want me to understand that, right?"

Ct: "Yes, but he'll never hear me." (drops face)

Therapist: "Oh, he'll never hear you. Oh, wow. That's so hard. I see your face sort of dropping. Can you tell me what happened just then?"

Ct: "Well, it's just all so sad. I can yell and yell and yell and maybe you'll hear me - but there's no way he will."

Therapist: "That sadness. Yes, like - what does it matter if the one that matters the most won't hear me? You're aching for him to hear you and a part of you just drops inside. Can you help me then, what do you think you do next when you just don't trust he'll ever hear you?"

Ct: "I give up. Until the next time I see him go away. And I yell - almost like, maybe this time he'll get it."

Therapist: "I think I get it. It's like - inside I just give up and deflate. But when I yell - I have a little hope that you'll hear me. If I get louder, I'll get a response. Is that it?"

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My whole point in this is that if the therapist doesn't interrupt (ACTIVE, as soon as protection shows up) - then processing feels chaotic and our clients get dysregulated - they can't "slow down" because no one is standing solid next to them (or in our case, no one is wheeling in a chair right up to their knees and locking eyes in an intimidating, yet comforting way). We're funny - EFT therapists. We are almost invasive - but it's a warm invade.