Grief and Attachment

Have you ever sat with someone who just lost a child? Or a beloved pet? Or a parent? Have you ever lost anyone this dear in your life?

When you are bonded, that bond is in the very fabric of your being. Physical death is something the heart can't understand, or accept. The physical presence leaves, but the bond stays and your brain can't make the separation so quickly.

I remember what it felt like to sit with grief-stricken parents in sessions I had years ago. They had just lost their baby (2 year-old boy). At the time I had a 2 year-old as well.

Sitting in that grief with them was hard. Their loss is everyone's worst nightmare. This is the stuff that we can't imagine, just putting ourselves there makes us cry or shudder.

Something that struck me was how disorienting the loss was for them. The couple fret over who was taking care of him now. Did they know he needed his lovey when he went to sleep? Did they know he likes to be rocked in this way? Whoever has him, are they feeding him? Is he hungry? This couple had a strong sense of an afterlife, and yet their heart was looking for their baby in the here and now.

They felt a little crazy having this struggle. It landed differently for me. There's nothing crazy about it - it just further backs scientific truth about how it is. How we are as humans. It made me believe in the power and truth of attachment even more. It's beautiful - the bond is more real than physical reality.

After a while, the brain can integrate what's real inside with what's real outside. But, at the beginning of deep loss - I believe (and love) that the most real thing we have goes further than our flesh and bones. It's what neuroscientists are talking about when they describe the molecular space between two psyches. That there is a substance or energy that has its unique makeup. "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." I apply that here as "The bond is greater than the sum of two individuals."

Apply this to a couple recovering from infidelity. More often than not, the theme that rings loud is grief (once you get under the reactive anger). The betrayal can play out as a person not being able to trust oneself. What a huge loss that is!

"How could I have not seen this?" "How could I have thought we were ok when all along you were unfaithful?"

Likely, the bond was insecure before the affair and the couple needs to understand that (experientially of course). Insecure, maybe - but it's still a bond. Bonds are sacred. That spouse that lost her/his own sense of trust in her/himself and in the relationship. He or she is, in a way - looking for what they lost in the here and now. And when they can't find it, it's disorienting and they react.

This parallels with parents losing their child. The investigative wife who is constantly checking up on her partner and reactively blaming or shaming is actually feeling so disoriented on the inside. The bond she thought she was standing on has crumbled under her. That's not unlike parents looking for their deceased baby in the next room.

As an EFT therapist, have you started to see attachment everywhere? Me too. It's given me more compassion and understanding for humanity.