Own Your Behavior. Now!

Let’s talk about trying to get people to “own” their protective strategies or action tendencies. I’m thinking specifically in the context of distressed couples. You’ve learned this is a big part of de-escalation. Once each partner can see their position in the cycle, the couple teams up against their own dynamic, and they stop blaming each other.

But, how to do this? You know not to shame people into owning behavior. Maybe you accidentally do that, but if I know my readers, that’s not your intent.

The trap I see therapists fall into is that you try to get people to see the impact of their behavior on their partner. You think, maybe if the partner who’s affected shares in a more tender way, it will make a difference. How might this look? 

Let’s use a fake couple for the sake of example. You have Sam (the partner affected by the “bad behavior”) share just how awful it is when Pat is critical. And, man - Pat is critical. It affects you in session too. You help Sam enact the impact of Pat’s criticism in a somewhat vulnerable way. Through tears, “When I hear your criticism, I feel like I’m a constant failure, and I’ll never be good enough for you.” And, then - Pat doesn’t respond well. And you get frustrated. Why won’t Pat just OWN their behavior? Can’t they see how much it hurts Sam?

I get that you hope that if Pat could see their impact on Sam, Pat would realize how much it hurts Sam and that it doesn’t actually get Pat any closer to their own needs being met - so maybe Pat will just stop doing the thing. Or at least “own it.”

This might work sometimes. I would argue that the behavior change that comes out of “look at the negative impact!” will be more about trying to be good, peace-making or even an attempt to be a good client. I don’t think it’s the most efficient or long-lasting way for individuals to own their behavior. 

Put yourself in Pat’s shoes. Whatever your protective strategy is, do you really need someone to tell you just how awful it makes them feel? Don’t you already know that? Even if you hear it shared in a vulnerable way - doesn’t it still just make you feel like shit? Your own shame gets triggered, AND you still don’t have full awareness of why you criticize (or distance or get busy or drink or…the list goes on). You just know what you do is BAD. 

The best way to help Pat own their protective strategy is by slowing down long enough and getting curious enough so they can see themselves - both in their protective strategy and the attachment intent behind it. I think the word “own” isn’t even the most helpful. It’s kind of like you want your client to “admit” or “confess.” No, what you need is realization, self-compassion and awareness that comes from the inside (not from their partner, Sam).

Of course Sam is going to share the impact of Pat’s criticism. And you’ll track that - when Sam feels like a failure in Pat’s eyes, what does Sam do? And then, how does that reinforce Pat’s original fear? This is all validated with an attachment lens. 

Therapist: “Oh, I see - so Sam, when you hear Pat’s criticism, you feel like you’ll never get it right, so you end up disengaging because it doesn’t seem to matter what you say or do. It’s a moving target and there’s no winning. And, then Pat - when you see Sam kind of tuning you out, you only feel more alone and not heard - so you point things out even more. You’re desperate for something to change! If you could just get through to Sam, maybe there would be a shift. For you, it feels hopeless and yet you still really want something different.”

Now, let’s see if you can work with Pat. Not by having Sam share how bad it feels when Pat criticizes, but by getting curious about the motivation behind Pat’s strategy.

Therapist: “So, when you see Sam tuning out - and it just irks you - you’re desperate to get Sam to see your point. I get that, and I’m wondering - can we get really curious together? Of course you need to be heard and seen, but if we back it up a bit - what would happen if you couldn’t point things out? If you lost the ability to point out what’s wrong?”

(Other ways of finding the attachment intent: “What would it mean to you if you really got through and Sam heard you?” OR “What do you think you’re hoping will happen when you criticize or point things out?”)

Back to the therapist’s question: “What would happen if you couldn’t point things out? If you lost the ability to point out what’s wrong?”

Pat: “Nothing would change. The truth is - I have no idea how to get things to change. I feel so helpless.”

Therapist: “Yeah, I get that completely. Your criticism or pointing things out is actually a desperation for something to change. Inside you actually feel pretty helpless, lost maybe? Can you imagine letting Sam know - when you hear my criticism, I’m actually feeling so lost, so helpless. I have no idea how to make things better between us.”

Pat: “I’m lost, Sam! I know I criticize and I actually hate myself when I do that - I’m sorry it makes you feel like a failure, but it’s true - I have no idea how to change this. I’m kind of desperate.”

That’s a quick version of how it could go. A more likely scenario is Pat would need way more repetition and validation, and both Pat and Sam would need to hear the cycle tracked by you a few more times before you would get an enactment like that.

But, that’s the kind of “owning” that really makes an impact. Pat sees (with your curious and loving support) how helplessness is linked to criticism. The enactment organically leads to a meaningful apology because Pat does very much care about Sam. This is so much better than a response to “Look how bad you make me feel.” 

When people see themselves and share what’s happening beyond their behavior - the “owning” happens naturally. You’ll hear things like, “I had no idea, I’m so sorry. I really had no idea.” 

And it’s true. They have no idea. You have to help people see themselves past their behavior but not by ignoring the behavior. The emphasis is on the attachment intent and the internal experience right before the protective strategy.

Pat’s helplessness compels Pat to get into gear - to criticize, get angry, do anything to make change happen! Pat needs your curiosity and openness in order to tune inside. Drop your agenda to get Pat to own something. Even if Pat is frustrating you (maybe especially if Pat is frustrating you). The more you try to get people to see their behavior, or even the impact of their behavior - you’ll either get pushback or placating. Now it’s an even bigger cycle - one with you in it!

Keep in mind that if you get caught cycling with your clients, your intent is good too. You only want your clients to own something so you can help de-escalate the cycle and see your couples connect and thrive. Pace yourself. Your curious and loving posture really is enough.