Get Even Closer
I’ve been noticing a theme. In supervision with hard-working EFTers, I can see they’re great at tracking the cycle and reflecting it back to clients, and then they get frustrated. When it doesn’t “work,” they start to hyperfocus on their client’s behavior.
“How can I get them to see their behavior is just making things worse?”
“How can I reflect the cycle in a way that they can actually see it?”
“How can I work through this block?”
“How can I get them to XYZ?”
The therapist tries to be direct. Then they swing the pendulum the other way and over-validate. They’re working their butt off to get the client or couple to MOVE.
Even trusting the process and asking your clients to trust the process can be a misattunement.
What if, when your clients are in the highest distress - instead of holding up the cycle mirror, or desperately validating, they just need you to get closer. Sometimes the mirror (in our case, reflecting the cycle in a broad sweep way) is too much. Asking them to trust the process blindly is also too much.
Let me give an example from my personal life:
I was in the hospital and my youngest son (at the time he was 4 months old) had just gotten out of his third surgery. Three surgeries in one month is traumatic for anyone at any age. I’ll spare you the medical details and give you the short version - what we thought was wrong became something else and pretty soon, no one had clear answers or solutions. My momma brain went to the worst case scenario.
“Even though everyone is saying things are going to be ok, my baby could die.”
The worst of it was I didn’t fully understand what was happening. Actually, no one did. I asked questions again and again. I asked questions about the questions I didn’t know to ask.
“What do you think I’m not smart enough to know to ask that I should be asking so I can get reassurance that he’s ok? Or make a plan if he’s not?”
I wonder if my anxiety was wearing the surgeons out. At one point, a doctor that I adore said something I couldn’t take in:
“I promise one day you’ll look back on this and it will be like a nightmare that you woke up from. You’ll remember it, but it’ll be a blip on the radar. Please, you need to trust us.”
I could feel his care, and I sort of knew he was right. But, it didn’t stop me from asking more questions and frantically managing what I could.
As you read this next imaginative dabble - I want you to know I’m not suggesting surgeons have a side gig as therapists. But, what would it have sounded like if this doctor could do what we do, with what we know because of EFT?
“You’re asking questions because you’re scared. I’m going to tell you the answers because I think you deserve to know - but it won’t totally soothe your fear. You’re scared because you’re a good Momma. I don’t want to take away your fear. I just want you to know I’m here and as much as I can, I get it.”
Can you do this for your clients? When they are driving you crazy - can you make it about them and not about you and the progress you’re making or not making? Let’s see how that could go with a crispy pursuer:
“I’m going to guess that right here, when you just made that comment about your partner - you’re struggling. But I don’t know yet what it’s really about. Can I get closer to you? Like, to your experience? What’s the hard part in this conversation? Take me there.”
For those of you that have been doing EFT for a while, this isn’t anything new. I just dropped right into the present process and asked for the live trigger. I’m trying to get as close as I can to the client’s inner world. If I over-validate - I move away from the moment. If I zoom out and track the cycle, it’s overwhelming and they sense I’m trying to point out their “bad behavior.”
Take a good look at the client in front of you. Drop all agendas. Get closer.
*Are you new to Superpower Alliance? Have you checked out the webinars? You should.