On the Couch
Have you ever noticed the withdrawer almost always sits closest to the door and the pursuer closest to you?
Does anyone else find this fascinating? It’s as if the withdrawer's subconscious is choosing the best seat for physical and emotional exit - just in case things go bad.
The pursuer enters the room first and greets you first. This is also the first partner to answer the opening question in the session. OR, the pursuer looks at the withdrawer for an uncomfortably long time until the withdrawer says, “Ok, ok - I guess you want me to start?”
The pursuer calls you to initiate therapy or the pursuer makes the withdrawer call. But the withdrawer doesn’t call on their own.
After answering a question, the withdrawer quickly looks to the pursuer to see if that was the right answer.
When asked, “How are things between you?”- the withdrawer says, “Good!” and the pursuer says, “What do you mean good?! It’s not good!”
The pursuer schedules the sessions and reschedules the sessions. The pursuer fills out paperwork first.
The withdrawer is pretty sure the result of couples therapy will be that they are in fact “the bad guy.” The pursuer is pretty sure the result of couples therapy is that their partner is in fact “the bad guy.”
The withdrawer secretly thinks if their partner would just need less, life would be pretty great. The pursuer secretly thinks if they would just need less, life would be much easier.
The withdrawer is desperate to be found and afraid to be seen.
The pursuer is desperate to be seen and afraid they will never be found.
All of this, from one side of the couch or the other.
When couples show their cards and sit on the couch, I’m careful to not assume too much.
While I’ve made generalizations in this post, I realize no one fits any box perfectly, even anxious and avoidant attachment strategies.
But it does comfort me to know that at the heart of every human is something predictable. Fears and longings about what it means to be seen, felt and loved are universal. What a privilege we have to witness that exploration and reconnection.
I had a pursuer say the other day with tears in her eyes, “We’re taking accountability for our fears! We’ve never done this before.” In that moment, the position on the couch didn’t matter - because the pursuer and the withdrawer were connected.
If you look at your couple on the couch and wish you felt more confident in your chair, consider purchasing a $10/month subscription to access all my monthly webinars! There is currently a bank of 22 videos ready to be watched! Subscribe Now.