The River

“No person ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and it’s not the same person.” - Heraclitus

As stuck as our couples are - assume they’re constantly evolving. Track the cycle every single session (especially in stage 1). Positions don’t change (pursuer/withdrawer), and each person has the same underlying fears and longings - but the way they see the relationship, themselves and their partner is changing.

The perception of their cycle changes the structure of their cycle. In the beginning, some couples will pretty quickly see the futility of their protective move and naturally protect themselves differently. Couples will report not fighting as much - but the absence of conflict doesn’t mean the presence of connection. In fact, a peace-making cycle is often the next cycle you’ll track. A common cycle evolution looks like this: volatile and frequent (before therapy and in the beginning of therapy), and then eggshells - trying to be good or do better (in the middle of therapy).

With both of these patterns, you have the same underlying fears and longings, but with different protective moves. For example, the pursuer might try not to bring things up as much, and the withdrawer might try to do more around the house.

They’re trying. They see the futility of the pursue/withdraw loop. So, for the sake of harmony, they try new moves. But holding back and doing more around the house is still protection.

Those are the nuances you want to tune into. What’s the move now? When you slow it down, what’s the good reason for this move? How do they see themselves, and what’s the risk in not having that new move?

If you didn’t track the cycle, and a couple told you things were good (because they’ve discovered new protective moves, and it’s sort of working for the time being), you would miss it.

I’ve done supervision with therapists who think tracking the cycle is a one and done deal, and they do it cognitively. If you don’t track the current cycle, it’s like the quote at the top of the page. You’re assuming it’s the same river and the same couple. You assessed it once, and you’re moving on. But it’s a new river, and the couple is slightly different than the one you met 6 weeks ago.

The evolving protective move has so much data inside it! Get as close as you can to that person in their move. Make space for it, and get curious about the attachment significance.

Most couples think behavioral change is the best they can hope for. That’s what they’re trying to do. It doesn’t matter how much you preach attachment. They have no idea what it means to be secure enough that you can cycle, and nothing catastrophic happens (because you can also repair). They don’t have experience with the relationship being able to handle the ebb and flow of connection.

The goal isn’t constant connection, by the way. The goal of a strong bond is to tolerate the disconnection when it happens. In secure relationships, there’s trust that you can find your way back to each other.

You have to hold this frame without your couples really getting it for a much longer time than you think. It won’t click until they are able to risk vulnerability and experience pay off. Shoot for mini corrective emotional experiences in stage 1. Awareness with an attachment lens is a small but powerful win.

Help the couple take a step in the river of their cycle again - seeing the water and the pebbles and the strong current with new eyes. Each time they step in the river and see it for what it is - it changes them. And it changes the river.

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