You Never Had Them.

This story comes from my early days of therapy. I was seeing a young girl who presented with anxiety. Somewhere in the assessment process, the parent told me that he regularly uses cocaine. He assured me that it’s “nothing,” and that he’s fully functioning and able to be a Dad.

Before I had any training in EFT or really any exposure to attachment based interventions, I believed in systems theory. I knew enough to know that a cocaine addict as a caregiver is going to have an impact on a kid - and an entire family system (even if it was hidden and implicit). I didn’t judge the addiction or the addict. In fact I felt connected to him. I just saw the bigger picture.

I don’t remember much about the kid because I didn’t see her much. But I really remember the session where I confronted the parent. I essentially said, “If you want me to help your daughter - you need to take your addiction seriously and make steps to getting sober.”

And then I was fired.

I was so upset. SO upset. In my next supervision session, I told my supervisor about this. My words were “I lost them.”

And my mentor (Kenny Sanderfer - a lot of you know him) said, “You never had them.”

That stayed with me. These are words I repeat to my supervisees now when they’re in the same kind of situation.

I look back at the young, scared therapist that I was - fresh out of grad school. I was so afraid that I had the chance to really help someone and right out of the gate, I didn’t do a good enough job. So “I lost them.”

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever experienced the mirage of helping someone? Have you had to make the hard call to ask for what you need in order to help them?

Or, have you not asked for what you need and therefore been stuck forever? And now, months or years in, you’re wondering if you need to have a hard conversation?

There’s a balance here. As EFT therapists - we believe in the goodness of humanity until kingdom come (it does feel like a bit of a religion sometimes, doesn’t it?). But, nowhere in the bible of EFT does it say, “at the expense of the therapist.”

Believe in your clients and their ability to heal. Keep your non-pathological lens. AND, be real about what you need in order to do this good work.

I think it’s one of the hardest lines to walk as a therapist. Most of us are used to pushing ourselves aside to help others. We inherently believe our value is in what we can provide others. That’s partly true, but if you lose yourself in the process, no one’s benefiting. 

I didn’t lose my client. I never had them. But, in this story - I’m glad I didn’t lose myself either.

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