Attachment Reframes

This post was inspired by conversations I've had with many EFT friends over the years. Each conversation had a similar question: "Where are the attachment reframes when you need them?" Also - "What exactly is an attachment reframe?"

Attachment is a language you can learn. To see things through this lens takes work - even though it's easy to believe in it with our whole heart. To define it: when we reframe with attachment, we're assuming the pain is relational. We have to really listen closely to understand and let the pain come - but we're going to go ahead and take the relational stance. That this wouldn't be painful if we weren't meant to be wired for connection.

It takes effort to reframe with attachment in mind (especially when on the spot in the room with real live clients). It's so important, though - because this (plus emotion and in the moment experience) anchors our work.

I'm going to list several attachment reframes - based on my experience as an EFT therapist. After that, I hope it inspires you to add to the list. Putting these in writing was a good exercise for me. I noticed that by simply adding "in her eyes" or "without him" - the whole sentence changes.

Attachment reframing (did I just make this a verb?!) is a great opportunity to be creative and bring our own style to it. My reframes usually end up being a mix of borrowed reframes from EFT trainers or supervisors, plus my clients words, plus whatever my imagination comes up with that day. Regardless, a good reframe resonates with the client (mirrors something about their experience or words) and rings true with attachment. It has to be relational. Also notice that every reframe I give starts with permission for it to be wrong (a tentative statement that is open to editing rather than an "I've got it" kind of expert stance).

Here goes (I've italicized the attachment reframe bits):

"Ok, let me see if this fits - it's so important to get it right in her eyes and when you get the sense you've got it all wrong, you just clam up? Did I get that right?"

"So, let me see if I'm hearing you right - is it like you really want to be connected to him, but in order to do so, you need to be heard first? Like your way back in is being heard? And when you don't trust that will happen, you kind of put that wall up?"

"I'm getting a sense here and I don't know but you tell me if I'm wrong - she matters so much to you but your efforts don't seem to get through and so you kind of give up? Does that fit?"

"I'm watching you and I can tell by your face that this is so important, right? Am I getting that right? Like, she's so important to you and when you see that she's losing hope, that's hard?"

"As we're having this conversation, I'm getting this sense. I want to know if what I'm sensing is what you're feeling. I get this sense that you've been working so hard for so long to be connected to each other. You're both feeling a bit lost in how to do that, but the fight for connection has taken a toll on you. Am I getting that right?"

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Sometimes words like "connection" don't really resonate with clients - like it's a new concept. In those cases - I might start with a phrase that meets them where they are, and yet still "seeds attachment":

You're doing such a good job of telling me what it's like for you. When I listen closely, I think I'm hearing something. Can you tell me if it fits? I think I'm hearing that these fights get so bad that you lose that feeling you had. It's kind of like you miss that feeling, what it was like to be close?"

"Can I check in to see if I'm getting it right? I hear you talk about this sense that you get. When you see him on his phone, you get this sense - it's like dread? Maybe dread like you're kind of on your own, without him next to you?"