The Opener

Just like a writer has angst over how to start a novel, we think about : "How do you start a session as an EFT therapist?"

We've all started with, "So, how was your week?" and regretted it. Something so open-ended is a time waster. What happens? They tell you where they went, how busy they were, the drama with their kids and jobs - but that's not actually what we want to know. We don't want to know how their week was, do we? We want something more specific than that. It matters how we open the session. 

In my last newsletter, I wrote about attachment reframes and how important it is to reflect with a systemic, relational assumption. The same is true for the opening line - if the emphasis is on relationship, we're steering the ship in the right direction.

Look at the difference between:

"How was your week?" and "How do you see yourself in your relationship since we last met?"

Some other variations:

"Tell me where you feel stuck in your relationship."

"Let me be a fly on the wall. How does it go with you guys in your relationship?"

One of my favorite ways is to take a phrase from the last session (referring back to my notes):

"I'm looking at my notes here and I remember when you said, "I just don't know if I actually matter to you. When I get that feeling I put my wall up." Can you tell me what happens for you when I say that back to you now?"

Sue Johnson says to just go for the pain. In my early EFT years I took that literally. I said to my clients, straight out of the gate:

"Tell me about the pain."

Are you laughing? You should be. That's so stark and not finesse. But guess what? It didn't matter! That kind of opening line is better than, "Tell me about your week."

Our job is to zoom in to our client's relationship. If we're working with an individual and using EFIT, we still use an attachment lens with emotion as our guide.

I watched a video on YouTube with George Faller (EFT trainer) a while back. The interview between him and Annabelle Bugatti was about "strident pursuers," but in the talk, he mentioned the significance of focus. If all we do is follow emotion (without focus), it's going to take us a long time to get to where everyone wants to go. We have to be really intentional about our interventions. Do we know where we are and where we're going?

That's how I feel about the opening line. If we're just a little bit intentional about how we open sessions, we're focusing the session in a way that directs the clients to each other. Systemic, attachment, emotion-based work is our focus. 

I have a good friend that says about parenting, "Start with the end in mind." Like good parenting, we can do this with therapy. Set the stage for the shared vision of togetherness. If we're opening our sessions with "togetherness" questions, we'll lead to conversations about where we're stuck, what gets in the way and we can be with them in that experience - which ultimately opens the door to new and corrective experiences.

More opening lines (and please add your own - it's good to have a mental list to draw from):

"I know we've been talking about your connection and working through the places in which things get sideways. What have you noticed lately about when it goes sideways?"

"Last session ended with tears and I know things didn't feel resolved. I bet that was hard for you. Can you tell me where you went in your heart after that?"

"I have loved being a part of your journey in finding your way back to each other. Where do you think you are now in that journey? I want to plug into that."

"I have this feeling that we're stuck in this journey of your connection. Do you feel that, too? Can you help me understand how you are thinking about the "stuckness"?"

"I was so moved last session by your vulnerability. You both took a risk and it paid off. Can you let me in on what happened for you from that place?"

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Your opening line needs to be intentional, but also needs to be authentic. You want it to come from the experience of being with your client, not scripted. It's an art - to not be scripted but also be intentional. Because really, you can't just say: "How was your week?"

This thing called EFT therapy is a beautiful art. I love the marriage of art and science that is EFT therapy.

Find your voice in that art form, be with your clients and focus.