The “F” in EFT
I've been reminded lately of how important the F in EFT is (Focus). Clinicians (myself included) get so caught up in what step/stage we're in so we can "go for the kill" and have that magical EFT moment, that we lose sight of the basics.
Remember the tango? If you're new to EFT and have no idea what I'm talking about - don't feel bad. Also, get excited! This is your map within the map to use. The big map is all the steps and stages. The little "session map" is the tango. If you do the tango no matter where you are in the model, you can work on precision and accomplish the "F" in EFT.
When we dance the EFT tango with our clients, we start with reflecting the present process (within/between). This is when we get curious about how they are experiencing their relationship in the present (both since we've seen them last and in the room). Once we've tracked that cycle with them, we're listening for emotional handles so we can "zoom in" (second move in the tango).
A lot of EFT therapist know to do this. Most EFT therapists will get all the way to setting up an enactment, processing it - but then forget to summarize and weave what they've just done back into the cycle. This type of focus helps couples successfully de-escalate. Without this piece, they'll rely on us to have new emotional experiences.
Let me give you a session example of how the tango comes in handy.
Here's a pretend case that represents many cases we've all worked with:
Affair couple, reactive cycle - honeymoon stage (keeping peace because afraid to "mess things up") and feeling shame. I reflect the cycle, ask them lots of "what do you do with your heart?" questions to hear their inner process and then help them share a piece of it with their partner. Let's say I zoom in and one spouse does this beautiful thing and says: "I've been hiding this from you because I thought it would send you back and it also sends me back - and then both of us are just stuck in shame." They make this beautiful move and it connects them. Yay! You could be tempted to move in even further. They seem like they like each other! We're moving so quickly...maybe they're ready for deeper work? If we work off our "EFT high" - we lose focus and even "good moments" not weaved back into the cycle get lost the next time they're triggered.
Assuming we're in stage one, instead of exploring the shame or the fear, we stick with our tango move. After you process the enactment (what is it like to hear/tell)? You want to zoom out/summarize.
"What you just did is so different. Instead of holding back, you let your partner in - you took a beautiful risk and it paid off! The part of you that wants to hide is such an important part - it tells you the relationship needs to be protected, that you need to be protected. It hasn't gone well in the past to share, has it? You've both been stuck in that shame where neither one of you is heard, so it's better to deal with the triggers on your own. I get it!"
The temptation, then - when you've "accomplished something" is to keep going - move into new content now that they feel connected. If you have time left in the session, instead of moving to some other conversation or something that came up in the current conversation - think of the tango again but switch to zooming in with the other partner. I've never had a session where you could do more than that in one session. This kind of session map really helps us anchor our work.
You can rely on that final step (integrate/validate/reflect process) no matter what happens during steps 1-4 (if the enactment isn't received, for example).
Remember that the cycle needs so much repetition and validation before it actually is processed. It's like our client's whole body needs to know it's safe and that they can trust/risk in a deep way (stage 2).
BUT - even when you're in stage 2, don't let go of the tango. That kind of focus - weaving everything back into their action/secondary emotion and validating that with EFT love is what keeps clients from relapsing.
If after reading this, you're going "huh?" - check out this video: Trainer Debi Scimeca-Diaz, LMFT, LCADC talks with Anabelle Bugatti, PhD LMFT about de-escalation. Her straight-forward approach is refreshing - I think you'll like it!