The Price of Love

I've noticed that a lot of couples think the goal of therapy is to not cycle. Even after we validate their action tendency/secondary emotions - they still get the message that the goal is to just not do that.

Can I be real for a minute?

I used to think that, too (both as a therapist and as a married person). I had hopes that if we could just see what's driving our bad behavior (unprocessed fears and longings), we wouldn't act badly anymore. 

That's just not reality and it's not the goal. Reality is that if you're trying to be close at all and if you're human - you will be triggered and you will cycle. That's the price of love. The goal is to be able to repair and comfort each other after you cycle. It's to have secure attachment with each other so that there's enough trust to be able to do this. 

The cycle happens for the rest of your life (securely bonded or not). The difference is when you're in a secure relationship, it doesn't happen as often and you can usually keep from being stuck in it. Sometimes you'll escalate, but not as often as before.

Even so, it will feel just as awful as it always did because the amygdala only knows danger. I'm not sure the amygdala really has time to tell you that you actually are in a secure relationship now. DANGER! Actually, I would even argue that maybe it's even scarier when you're secure. There's way more to lose.

Now that I understand (with my heart, not just my head) the goal of EFT, I tell my clients about "the price of love." After they have a different conversation from the one they usually have in the cycle, I weave it back to the cycle (showing them how much it makes sense that they would not be there for each other). Once they link the new conversation with the old conversation, sometimes I'll say "I wish I could say that now that you know this you'll never have that old conversation again. It's just not true. Your cycle is the price of love."