Go in Through the Front Door
One of my supervisees reflected this back to me when we were working through how to handle an uncomfortable therapy moment.
I love it. We heard in grad school the very cunning ways of how to "go in through the back door."
I don't know about you, but if someone "back doors" me - I'm feeling like "something is happening here, I can smell it - but I'm not allowed to say anything because you're (the therapist) in control and the expert." So, I'm left to feeling like you're dancing around me and possibly also going to ask me to be vulnerable.
Not a good feeling.
If you feel like your client is being careful, it's easy to get caught in that trap and be careful right alongside them. This is also known as falling into an avoidant cycle right in the room with your client! You thought you were being therapeutic, gentle, kind. NO! It's placating or peacemaking. You're uncomfortable, your client is uncomfortable and everyone's just talking in circles.
(Full disclosure, I've been guilty of this so many times! It wasn't until I learned that my un-comfort could actually be used in session that I knew what to do with it).
Time for the front door. Your transparency and invitation for the client to collaborate with you IS an intervention. You're modeling secure attachment. We are the bigger, wiser, stronger, kind other (Circle of Security reference...Amen, anyone?).
As the therapist, you can handle the uncomfortable emotions and lead with curiosity.
"I feel like something just happened. Can you tell me what it is?"
"I feel like I'm missing something. I'm paying attention to what you're saying and how you're saying it, but I'm still lost. What is it that I don't know?"
"Can you help me, I really want to help you and understand you but it feels like maybe we're both just talking in circles."
It's a risk to "go through the front door" when you sense that your client very much doesn't want to face whatever it is that is hidden from both of you. But, if we don't risk - how can we ask our clients to risk?