Pursuer and Withdrawer Myths
Hi. My name is Kelly and I'm a pursuer. Recovering, of course.
I remember Gail saying something amazing (no surprise there) at one of the externships. Then, later I saw a video with trainer Zoya Simakhodskaya and Anabelle Bugatti in her EFT YouTube Channel: We Heart Therapy. (If you haven't already discovered this - you must. Free videos with Anabelle interviewing all the trainers on different topics re: EFT).
Zoya echoed something that Gail said years ago. Different words, but same heart.
Our very good intentions of trying to categorize something so we can understand it can work against you. Words are limiting. If used to label, that's triggering- even if it comes from a good place.
"Get descriptive," Gail said. Zoya says, (I'm paraphrasing) "Look for the attachment intent BEHIND the action move."
It's important to know your client's attachment strategies, but don't put them in a box.
I'll use myself as an example.
In some ways I'm a typical pursuer. When threatened, I yell, blame and if you breathe wrong - I'll make sure you know about it. But, I can also shut down. I also avoid. And, just recently I realized sometimes I need help figuring out what I'm feeling. Ha!
Whether working with a couple, an individual or a family - you'll start to notice the attachment strategies in place within any system. These are the ways that we protest the disconnection. But, don't trust what's on the surface.
Myths:
-Pursuers are the loud/talkative ones
-Withdrawers don't show feelings
-Pursuers don't want sex
-Withdrawers don't want to connect
-Pursuers never say, "I can't get it right with you."
-Withdrawers never say, "I want to feel close to you."
The double negative in that list is confusing - but the important thing is this: if you have a genuine heart that cares about your clients, all you need to do is tune into your own curiosity. This will get you where you need to go.
The lightbulb that goes on inside when you've really opened yourself up to hear the heart behind your client's move is addictive! When you sync up with your client and you both realize the same thing about the very good reason that they do what they do - it feels like connection. A kind of warm fuzzy.