“I Want to Add, Not Take Away".”

I was doing a role play with Kristie Carpenter, PhD, LMFT (wonderful EFT clinician on my team) the other day and she said the most brilliant thing:

"I don't want to take anything away. I only want to add. Especially when it comes to relating with your partner."

Kathryn Rheem (EFT Trainer) once said that withdrawer's (avoidant attachment strategy) have a higher mountain to climb.

Imagine working with a withdrawer. When I describe this person, you'll recognize the type right away. This is someone that relies on being able to turn off their emotions to do their job. This person can be unaware of their own emotional needs in order to try to get it right for their partner and hopefully not make things worse (tuning into their partner's cues rather than their own inner experience). This is a very adaptive survival strategy. It keeps them functioning, helps them earn success (which feels like being valuable).

When you ask this person to not have this strategy so that they can tune into their emotion, experience, body sensations and attachment needs - it's like asking someone not to breathe. And, also - "What even are you talking about?"

Appeal to a withdrawer's cognition. Don't go for the juggler at first (primary emotion). Collaborate with them. Help them understand what you're doing, where you're going and what you expect from them.

Many withdrawers will do whatever it takes if they can understand. To ask a withdrawer to not think, never compartmentalize and always feel is just too much.

Kristie gets this.

"I don't want to take anything away. I only want to add. Especially when it comes to relating with your partner."

So, in other words - if a withdrawer can learn emotional flexibility (to be able to tune into him/herself when transitioning from work to home), that person can keep their strategy in order to be in the world. The "adding to" can be about engaging an emotional muscle in order to open up, relate, let in and trust their partner with their heart. And then, yes - put that guard back up when you need it outside of home.

And by the way - it's not starting from scratch. Withdrawers have a part of them that feels lonely and has had to be strong and independent their whole lives. Often at the beginning of treatment, they have no idea that they feel alone (or what it's like to be with someone physically and also feel lonely). Once they get in touch with their unmet needs and realize it's not a failure to have an attachment longing, it won't feel like "adding to" in a brand new way. It'll be more like waking up a dormant part.

Bottom line - when working with withdrawers, be clear, assertive and gentle.