Action Tendency!

Are you forgetting to help clients link their action tendency to the attachment intent (and softer emotion)? Are you trying to get partners to be vulnerable too soon? Like, soft/open/crying vulnerable?

That's not possible in stage one. Sometimes they'll do it because they feel safe with you - but you're not going home with them (at least I hope not). So - they relapse and you think to yourself "What happened...I thought they had that amazing moment!"

Before you can ask a couple to show and reach from vulnerability, you have to help them make sense of what they DO when the threat response happens.

Here's some sample stage 1 enactments:

"When you see me retreat, underneath I'm scared we'll never get this right and I don't know what else to do, so I just go away."

"When you see me ask questions, inside I'm lonely for you. My questions are kind of code for "Will you come out and be with me?"

"I show you frustration, and yes that's true - I'm frustrated. But I feel really helpless to give you what you need. Like I'm always getting it wrong. So, when I feel helpless I just shut it all down. That's easier than being lost."

What a lot of you are doing is either going for the vulnerability and asking the partner to share it (and when you set up the enactment, you're forgetting to add the action tendency in the statement).

For example (what NOT to do in stage one - it's close, but it needs tweaking):

"I can see that helplessness. Right...you feel so helpless to get it right with your partner. Can you share that right now?"

What happens then? Let's say they do it. Either - listening partner blocks it ("I don't believe he's helpless! He's always mad at me. Feels more like he thinks I need too much.") OR - it goes well and then when they get home - he's not able to do it again (because of course - the cycle). So, linking the action tendency in real time in session helps couples have the best chance to translate it when you're not with them.

So, instead:

"I can see that helplessness. Right, that makes sense. You feel so helpless to get it right with your partner. And, what you shared earlier is that in real time, you get mad in order to shut it all down. That frustration kind of moves you away from feeling helpless. Can you help her understand? I shut it all down to protect myself from feeling helpless, like I can't get it right for you."

So, the next time they're home and the cycle is running the show - this guy will feel the same frustration/shut down thing. This time, he might be able to offer something new in the repair:

"I think it's what we talked about in therapy. I just shut down with anger toward you, but really I just want to make you happy and feel like I can't."

This works with individuals, too (EFIT). What is their cycle with themselves? What is their action tendency that protects them from their own vulnerability?