Reflect with Attachment
Lately in supervision, I'm hearing that people are getting sucked into the cycle while reflecting.
A good reflection is meant to validate and come alongside. However, you need to be careful not to parrot (saying the exact or almost the same thing back to the client). Why? For one - it kind of gives them more ammunition to their point.
Secondly, remember - we are trying to speak right to the attachment brain. Reflections aren't just for validation - they're to seed attachment. It's a language your client forgot. Maybe they knew it when they were babies, but over time - bonding mammals forget they're meant to be held and seen by a safe other. Rebecca Jorgensen calls it "singing to the amygdala."
Examples of getting caught in the cycle with a stale, attachment-void reflection:
Client - "I'm so done with this! Here it is again, he's just telling me what I want to hear, but I know he's not sorry. I want to actually resolve this and he's just wanting to get to me being happy again. ARG!"
Therapist - "I think I hear you. You're so mad! Like you don't want him to just tell you what you want to hear. You want resolution. Right? Like, come on - don't just get back to us being happy. So frustrating!"
Client - "Right! Like.....(and the client goes on to give you all the examples of why this is true. And you just keep reflecting, basically repeating the client hoping he/she will calm down soon so you can track the cycle.)
Ok, let's try it again:
Client - "I'm so done with this! Here it is again, he's just telling me what I want to hear, but I know he's not sorry. I want to actually resolve this and he's just wanting to get to me being happy again. ARG!"
Therapist - "Right! I feel that frustration. And I think I'm hearing that a part of you really hopes that what you feel about this matters to him. Like you could maybe feel seen and heard by each other. And you're getting the message somehow that really you just need to be happy. But, maybe your heart needs to know that when you're not happy, that's ok? You can both stay together and work through something together? Am I getting it? Help me know."
Now you have something to work from. Even if the client edits you (maybe it's too far for them to really take in that they're wanting to matter to another) - the seed of attachment is out there and we've gotten off the content. It's not about what he's doing wrong - it's about this attachment longing inside to matter to another.
See if you can practice this. Tape your sessions. Pause it where you think maybe you could have seeded attachment. Role play it to see how it feels to change it up a bit.
Let me know if there's anything you want to know more about! I'm always open to suggestions and get excited when people engage.