Setting Up Enactments for Couples

Essential Elements for a Stage One Enactment:

1 - The tango. This is your life line. It's the mini-map for every session. The picture above is my laminated copy. Don't worry about what step you're doing. If you do the tango with attunement, it'll all fall into place. Move one - present process. Get a lay of the land and make sure you include both partners. Listen for emotional handles. Reflect with an attachment lens and try not to get caught in content (the attachment lens is your secret sauce for this). Move two - assemble emotion. With withdrawers, don't push them into emotion too fast (ask about cognition/ reappraisal). With pursuers, reflect with attachment lens and help them organize - not expand. For both, get very curious about the move they make in the cycle and the attachment intent (very good reason for the move that robs them of connection).

2 - Attunement. If you have a lot of experience working with individuals and you're adjusting to couples work, it might take some practice to get used to attuning to the whole system (instead of only the person you're talking to). Look at the other partner and give them nonverbal cues as you're working with one partner. Include them in your reflection.

3 - What to enact. In stage one, you'll want to focus more on the action tendency or the position in the cycle with an attachment frame. So, for example - even if someone is "going there" - giving you the deep fear or longing with lots of tears...remember - what's happening with the whole system? Enacting the deep thing without having a good sense of where the other partner is setting the couple up to fail. Just because the partner feels safe with you doesn't mean they're safe with their partner.

4 - A good set up. When I set up enactments (especially in stage 1 - I give a lot of lead way and am very explicit). Think of it like talking to kids. When you're asking little ones to do something new, do you drop it on them or prepare them? When a child learns to ride a bike, you run with them with your hand on the back for a bit, right? And then you let go. So, in couples therapy it might go like this:

"I know you just said this to me, but what I really hope for you guys to start doing is taking risks in your relationship - looking at each other in the eyes and saying the thing that's actually kind of hard to say. Whatever happens is ok, because I'm here to help you make sense of whatever defensiveness might come up on either side. I see your partner is really listening. You were saying that even though on the surface you look shut down, inside you're scared of messing things up. Can you look at her and tell her about that fear of messing something up between you?"