Reflecting Emotion

A reflection - with emphasis on attachment and emotion is a skill that takes years to perfect, but also the simplest, most effective way of being with your client. Only then, can we intervene and ask a question or help link to action tendency.

I've gotten feedback from readers that practical examples are really helpful. So, here goes. As you read, pay attention to what the client says and how the therapist reflects. Each time the therapist reflects (NOT asking a question and not asking anything of the client - to feel a different way, see something different or enact), the client feels safer to look inside themselves and to see their relationship from a more objective and compassionate perspective.

Client: "It's so much bigger than he even knows. I get so angry when he tries to convince me that it's not what I think."

Therapist: "Right, right. Inside it's like this anger that says you don't know what's going on. It's big." (Specifically emphasizing anger inside of client - not emphasizing the other person's actions or referring to content...that would lead to the cycle - aligning with blame).

Client: "I'm so tired of him just defending himself and nothing ever changes."

Therapist: "I think I hear you, but help me if I get it wrong. It feels like nothing ever changes? Like - I keep feeling this way - this anger inside. Like I'm holding this feeling that you know nothing about?" (Trying to really hear everything client is saying, not just parroting last statement. Also - staying with client's emotional experience - not partner's actions or content).

Client: "Yes. I get so hopeless. I think I just give up at that point."

Therapist: "Right. In your heart, you give up? Like this will never change and I'll always feel this way?" (If this is early stage one - this is about the time I would want to intervene - because if I stay too long, the other partner will get antsy and the cycle might take over..but I always look at both partners. If it seems like the other partner is really listening and wants to hear more - I might stay longer. But - "I think I just give up" indicates an action move - in stage one, this is a huge place to help link the feeling to the action.)

"Can you help me right now? I see how hopeless you get - how this will never change and it's like you're on your own with this big feeling inside. Can you help me understand - how does it typically go next? When you get hopeless like this on the inside - how does it come out?" (notice I didn't assume I knew the action tendency or link it for them overtly - I let the client get there themselves)

Client: "Well, I get really angry and just basically tell him all the ways he's not hearing me."

Therapist: "Oh! I see. So, it's like all this anger you're holding onto on the inside - this big big feeling - it just comes out at him. But, what he doesn't see is how hopeless you get. Like a part of you has just given up." (Assuming this is stage one, I'm going to be really careful to not go much deeper - could trigger shame...but to help them feel capable of having a new conversation - sharing just a piece of vulnerability).

Client: "Yes. That's it. (tears)"

(In this example - there are 3 reflections before a question. Then, there's one more reflection before moving to an enactment. In your own work - try to notice if you move too quickly to a question. Good, persistent reflections are essential to "the work" - also helps the client feel like you're really in it with them.)

Therapist: "I wonder if he really knows. What I hear you saying is that when you guys get into this thing, he doesn't know how hopeless you get. All he sees is your anger. But, inside there's a part of you that feels so hopeless to get him to see. Can you share that with him right now?"

** This is not a transcript of a real session. I totally made this up - based on experience with couples. It's not the only way to go - there are so many different reflections I could have written. You have to actually be with your clients with curiosity and let that guide your words. Also - you have wriggle room. You might not attune and your clients will tell you. That's part of being with them. You just adjust, trusting the model and yourself and try again.

As I was typing the pretend part of a session, I could imagine what it feels like when I'm really with a couple. There is SUCH temptation to go faster - asking the question earlier, enacting earlier, etc. I think part of that is just our excitement. We love helping people - that's why we got into this! Even though we're tempted - this post is a reminder that simple reflection with emphasis on emotion and attachment is half of what we do. We can't rush it.

If you see emotion - sometimes it's tempting to just go for it right then. For some people the tears come after you reflect with emotion for a while. For others, the tears come right away. (For others there's no tears at all, but you can see emotion in the eyes or on their face). You might think outward emotion is when you link to an action tendency (ask a question) and/or enact. Nope. You STILL need to reflect with emotion/attachment. Everyone needs to stay in the emotion to help organize it. Even the criers.