Say the Day
I have a friend that has the sweetest bedtime ritual with her kids. I don’t know if she still does this (they’ve gotten a little older), but as I remember it - her kids ask her to “Say the Day.”
The very last part of their day, as they are snug in their bed with jammies on, she narrates their entire day for them. From start to finish: “You woke up and had toast with jam for breakfast. Then you went to school and played with Anna at recess.” Maybe they do it together. “Then you went to math, right? What did you learn during math?” Maybe she slips in some of her experience, “You came home off the bus and ran to give me a hug. That was my favorite part.”
Can you imagine how grounding that is for her babies? I need to ask her if she still does this. I remember her kids LOVE it. They can’t go to bed without “Say the Day.” This friend is a part of a larger friend group of mine. We’ve all been friends since before any of us met our partners and had kids (about 20 years). I remember a zoom date with this group and this particular friend was late because “Say the Day” went a little long. (This friend is also known to leave two-minute voicemail messages. Two minutes, y’all! That’s a long time.)
Where am I going with this?
Say the Day is beautiful. It’s grounding. It’s an expression of love. It’s organizing. It gives my friend and her kids a shared narrative. This is the day. It was good. And even if it wasn’t - you are good. You are loved.
Move five in the tango is exactly this. Don’t skip over move five.
For those of you that have no idea what I’m talking about - move five is usually at the end of sessions, but you can use it to transition from working with one partner to another if you do two tangos in one session. Move five is where you succinctly (hopefully) “Say the Session.”
I’m going to use a fake client to model this for you. Meet Aaron and Sarah. Imagine I’ve just tracked the cycle in move one, worked with Aaron to find something a little more tender in move two, he enacted that to Sarah and she took it in a little in move three - but then exited to figure out what to do differently in move four. Now, imagine I’m doing a move five. This is the end of the session - I have 10 minutes left. I don’t have time to work with Sarah’s reactivity or vulnerability, so I need to organize it in a way that grounds my couple and lets them know where we’re headed.
“Ok! Let me just zoom out for a second. I see time is almost up - I want to go back over what you just did. Aaron, we slowed down what was happening for you as you guys were talking about where you get stuck in your relationship. Do you remember, we found it through your gut. In your belly, you said you felt disappointment. You so beautifully shared that when you and Sarah have these moments - when you can tell she’s upset and you wonder if you’ll ever get it right - you feel disappointed, like the wind is taken out of your sails. You took a risk to share from your belly, which is part of what’s happening underneath when Sarah typically sees your anger. That was huge! And I remember the look on your face, Sarah, when he shared so beautifully. You felt his disappointment. This was something a bit different. You had no idea how much being connected to you matters to Aaron. And then you wanted to figure it out. Which is so normal! Of course you want to figure it out. It’s equally important to you. And this is exactly the place that we want to continue to slow down and come back to. If it’s okay with you, Sarah, I would love to explore what these moments are like for you in our next session. I see these places as a mutual vulnerability. Where Aaron feels disappointment but usually shows anger, Sarah - there’s something equally important happening for you. Aaron, to risk feeling and showing this part of you that really needs to be connected to Sarah is exactly what your relationship needs. And, Sarah, even though there’s a part of you that needs to be heard in the exact same spot (and we’ll get to that I promise), I can tell it meant a lot to you to have Aaron share in that way. Let’s build off of this. We’re going to continue to work in the stuck places so you can have new conversations and get clarity about how you get stuck and what’s driving that pattern. We need to continue to meet regularly. I can see you’re scheduled for next week. That’s great. I’ll see you then!”
Can you imagine being that client? How would it feel to have the session organized so clearly? What if the therapist tried to organize Sarah’s reactivity and then cut the session off when time was up - with no time for a move five?
That’s like going to bed without “Say the Day!”
Look at the clock. If you have 10-15 minutes left, transition to move five. In Stage 1, you don’t have time to do another enactment. Also, tune into what’s happening for you. If the enactment was received as a “yellow light” (partly okay, and then the reactivity starts to take over), are you trying to force it into a “green light”? Let it be. In Stage 1, blocks come up during move four (processing the enactment). That’s a good thing. That’s how you know where to work next. If you try to make it feel good by forcing some kind of softness, it’ll actually make things worse and come back to bite you.
Say the Session is what “makes it better.” A good move five helps organize what just happened and also makes clients feel that you’ve got this. You know where you are and where you’re going. The clients have an understanding of what we’re doing together.
Also, notice I included scheduling in move five. If you’re having trouble with retention (keeping your clients past a certain point), try to be more intentional about including move five with both emphases: 1) a clinical summary of the session with lots of attachment language and 2) what that means logistically (scheduling).
As I wrap up this post, I’m imagining doing “Say the Day” to my teenagers. They would love it. Now, I wonder what it would be to “Say the Day” to myself, as I lie in bed at night and picture images from my day. Holding on to the best parts. I think my nervous system would smile.
Say the Day. Say the Session.