Attachment Dilemma Brought to You by Spiderman

When was the last time you saw the original Spiderman? The one with Tobey Maguire and Kristen Dunst. For us, it was last week. Side note - if you have kids under the age of 12, it’s not the best to choose for family movie night. Our 8 year old watched it with his eyes closed for 40% of the movie. We forgot how violent it is. The teenagers in the house loved it. I’m going to use a scene from this movie to describe what an attachment dilemma can feel like.

I had a recent (early in the process) session with a betrayal trauma couple that felt, well, not amazing. I left that session not sure if one of the partners was wanting the marriage at all. I started to doubt if I had missed something in my screening for the intensive.

Looking back, the thing I did well was mirror their attachment dilemma. And, I forgot how powerful that actually is. Truthfully, it felt like the only intervention I had left. Every other one was falling flat. Red light, red light! Abort mission! In my younger therapy years I would have panicked and tried to convince one of the partners to share something softer. Yikes. I cringe.

As I tracked the cycle for this couple, I was looking for a present day sense of how their pain (which in this case includes multiple attachment injuries) shows up. What does it actually look like in real life? What are their protective moves? What’s the good reason they shut down/get defensive, etc. The attachment intent behind the moves?

We thought we were choosing a softball of an example. They talked about a recent time they got triggered and their cycle took over. The content was small (again, so we thought).

As they shared their experience, one partner corrected the other about a detail in the story. The other partner reacted in a big way: “That’s what I’m talking about! I can never win!” And off to the races we go.

Listen. I did all the things. 

“It’s happening right now!”

“Let’s slow this down.”

Eventually the partner who had the big reaction (also the one that betrayed the partners trust in the past) shared fear of losing the other partner.

I actually wanted the partner to share something smaller (like owning their protective strategy), but this partner enacted the bigger thing.

It BLEW up: “There’s no way you’re afraid of losing me. If you were afraid of losing me, you wouldn’t have done all those things.”

Yikes. 

So. I did the last thing I knew to do.

Attachment dilemma right smack in my face. Ok, Kelly - get in there with them and name it. Feel it. Don’t ask for anything from your clients. Just be a mirror to their collective pain.

“You guys, I see. This is excruciating. It’s like neither one of you can make a wrong move. This relationship is so fragile. There’s been so much pain. If you (looking at the avoidant partner) show your fear of losing your partner, your partner can’t take it in. There's a good reason for that. And you know that - so you go to your corner. (Looking at the burnt out pursuer) - If you get upset about anything at all, you trigger your partner and you’re left alone. You get confirmation that you can’t rely on anyone for anything. And you go to your corner. But here you are. Both in your corners. Exhausted. Lonely. It’s excruciating. And so of course you try to just avoid these moments. But, inevitably triggers happen - and here we go again. How can you gain trust? These moments just wipe you out. You (looking at the avoidant partner) feel like you can’t win and you (looking at the burnt out pursuer) feel like you can’t feel.”

I said some version of the same thing again and again. I let them know that finding the block that keeps them from feeling safe or connected is a good thing. This is where I planned to keep working. And I left it at that.

My sense is they left feeling not amazing, but also not totally raw either.

Ok, now - what is an attachment dilemma? It’s the two terrible choices people have in their current relationship reality.

I think most EFT therapists are so ready to see change that they forget about the power of staying right in the dead center of the attachment dilemma/the pain with couples. It is uncomfortable at first. Some say it feels like you’re just leaving them hanging. Like - ok, now what? But NO ONE is a witness to their collective pain.

If you don’t do it - the protective strategy will only get stronger.

There’s a scene in Spiderman toward the end. The Green Goblin tricks him and he’s left with two terrible choices. Let the trolley of children die (at one end of the wire that he’s holding), or let his love, Mary Jane die (at the other end of the same wire).

Pause the scene. Let’s be with Spiderman.

“Spiderman! Holy moly! With Great Power comes Great Responsibility. Man, your Uncle wasn’t kidding. But, this isn’t what you signed up for. You never wanted to put the people you love at risk. But there’s no time to even think or feel about that. And you don’t even know if you can save both! I’m so sorry, Spiderman. I wish you never got bitten by that spider. I’m pretty sure Mary Jane loves you no matter what.”

Do you FEEL his dilemma? It’s life or death. For real.

Ok, joking aside. EFT therapists have to see it and feel it. You have to get right in the middle of it with them and not ask them to do a thing. Just name it. Reflect it with compassion. Say it again and again. This is no one’s fault. No one’s blaming anyone. And yet, here you are - stuck. Unable to move toward each other. And you’re desperate to not be alone anymore.

Guess what? The couple came to therapy the next day like a different couple. They had shifted. On their own!

WHAT?! I know. 

And then, they had two beautiful sessions in which they both shared a tender part of them. Still with fear in place - but definitely able to take a small risk.

And there it is. I earned those sessions with the session that felt like crap. Be like a witness to Spiderman. See the dilemma for what it really is.