Betrayal Trauma: Bricks in a Shared Wall

Raise your hand if you love working with betrayal trauma. You love the triple whammy that often happens: developmental trauma, attachment injury and a rigid cycle all wrapped up in one? In some cases, add on top of that a potential addiction. What? No takers?

Sarcasm aside, some say this is the #1 most challenging presentation in couples work. And, yet - if you work with couples - you can’t get away from working with betrayal trauma.

There’s a very important balance when clients come in with a previous attachment injury (regardless of how long ago it happened). Most clients come in wanting to repair the injury in Stage 1. We know that if we go too deep (view of self) too soon, the attempt to repair will backfire. So, how do we have a Stage 1 attachment injury conversation?

Stage 1: Recognition of the injury and how it shows up in the present.

Stage 2: Repair of the injury in a deep and lasting way (and everything it represents - i.e. view of self for both partners).

Think of this like a flow chart of safety:

Recognition (therapist attachment frame) leads to clarity. Clarity (each partner seeing the impact of their move on the other and the overall cycle) leads to safety. Safety (marker for de-escalation) leads to connection. Connection leads to repair (Stage 2). You really can’t go out of order. Remember the two R’s when dealing with betrayal trauma or attachment injuries: Recognition first, Repair second.

I like to think of this as a shared wall. Pursuers who have been hurt usually can’t see their part of the wall because they feel very justified in their protective moves (i.e. “I’m not the one that put our relationship at risk.” or “I’m not the one that cheated.” or “I didn’t abandon you.”, etc). To ask an injured pursuer to take a big emotional risk (owning their protective move) is like saying, “I’m going to bulldoze this wall down and you’ll be naked. And then you could be blamed. Or betrayed. Again.”

First order of business - look at the wall with your couple. Don’t expect any actual emotional risks. If one does take a risk and the enactment blows up, describe what you see with the wall in mind. It has been built over years and years of bricks. Each partner adding a brick at a time.

I stay away from action tendency words with pursuers when tracking how the injury shows up in the present, like “criticize”, “blame”, “stonewall”, “test.” I use attachment frames instead.

“Right. When you see your partner slumped in a corner with negative self-talk - that’s a huge danger sign to you. Your partner isn’t anywhere to be found! You’ve lost access and nothing you do can get your partner back. The opportunity for you to be seen or heard? That ship has sailed. You are out of options. And, even worse - this is the place that your partner might hurt you.”

I might ask, “And what do you do in those moments?” But, if my pursuer says something that isn’t owning their move, I let it go. I know they don’t feel safe enough to take that risk yet.

With the partner that is more avoidant (usually the one that stepped out of the relationship), I make sure to look at the wall with that person in mind too.

“Oh man. I think I get it. When you can see your partner is upset, in your mind it’s like, ‘There it is again. One more way I’ve screwed up. I’ll never get this right and I just can’t afford to do anymore damage.’ You want so badly to earn back trust. It’s a huge danger sign for you when you feel you’re sliding away again.”

I spent an entire session with a couple, right on the edge of their cycle and reactivity - reflecting the shared wall.

“This is so fragile. And it’s so maddening. Neither one of you feels like you can make a wrong move. You go to your separate corners to calm down and then you each go back to status quo. It’s just too risky to rock the boat anymore than it’s already been rocked.”

I left that session feeling unsure of what the couple really wanted. Had I missed something? Do they have the same goals?

I forgot the power of Recognition of the injury in the present cycle. They came in the next session with more awareness.

And then, the pursuer took a risk.

“I get so scared when you go away. I’m all alone. I’m sad. I don’t know what to do. I retreat because it’s the only thing I know to do. But I have no idea how to get you out of that hole. And when you do come out, I get so defensive because I feel so crazy.”

Wow! I didn’t ask her to own her move (retreating, defensiveness). But, she felt seen in the shared wall. And so, she took a brick out.

Eventually we’ll talk about the injury itself (not just its impact on the present). But until then, I’ll help them take down a brick at a time.

If you have couples with betrayal trauma, I invite you to check out my video series that I created for the injured partner. Click here for a free preview of four of the videos and for access to the therapist discount (buy one, get two free to give away to clients).