The Power of Professionalism

The debate of the nation was happening right in front of my eyes, only this time in the confines of my therapy couch, sparks flying between a couple. Never in my almost 20 years of counseling have I had so many couples argue about politics in my office. The threat level to relationships is like the red flag on the beach that says you can’t go swimming. It’s not just about politics. It’s about life itself. 

One of the partners started debating very specifically. I’ve heard the phrases and arguments before, but never in this context. Here I’m neutral. My clients don’t know where I stand politically. And they definitely don’t know about the anger boiling inside of me.

I felt it happen. I was triggered in a huge way. I felt protective of the other partner (and maybe of my own position, if I’m honest).

I’m not sure what I told myself, but it felt like a strong decision. I was going in.

I said, “We’re not going to talk about this anymore. I really need to slow you down. Let’s see what’s happening.”

This person said, “I’m being attacked!” (Which felt so ironic as this person seemed blind to their own counterattack). 

And then I said, “In general - not just about this topic, but in general - when you two get into a debate and you feel that in your partner’s eyes you’re wrong - what you think is wrong, what you believe is wrong…what is that like on the inside?”

And then this person shocked me. This person said, “I feel like I don’t matter.” And then they teared up. And put it together.

“When I feel like I don’t matter - I fight back. And then you feel like you’re not important. We’re doing it to each other.”

Holy cow.

The power of professionalism.

It was only professionalism that allowed me to make the decision to stick with the model, to lean in and interrupt in order to organize.

I didn’t do it out of curiosity or love. Definitely not compassion.

But when I saw this person - I thought, “Wow. You’re a human.” Before then I saw them as a cold-hearted robot, spewing out hateful comments disguised as a debate.

As the intensive went on, this person showed me their humanity again and again. And owned more and more.

I doubt they’re going to change their political ideology (and that’s never my goal) - but something about this process sure does bring the humanity out of everyone (myself included).

I don’t have many conversations with people who believe the extreme opposite of what I believe. As bold as I am in session, I’m a bit avoidant when it comes to other areas of my life.

I’m grateful. I will always choose professionalism, and this time it gave me the gift of perspective. 

The next time you’re triggered - think like a professional. You never know where it’ll take you.