The Dance

As you navigate a couple's dance, trying to understand exactly what they experience - the moves they make and why they make them, they can't help but do the same dance right there in front of you! If you take that analogy literally - it would be like going up to couple on a dance floor and trying to get in-between them. One partner opens up to let you get in the middle, the other closes the space as soon as you get your foot in. You could chase them around the floor or you could ask permission.

We can't just butt in or step on toes. We have to stand next to each partner as they're doing the same negative dance. Attunement and curiosity about the dance slows it down. Eventually, we're all standing still and we can see the dusty footprints - moves they make and why they make them.

I've had several questions lately about strong/stubborn/hijacking pursuers. My response has been: "A pursuer will only soften to the level that the withdrawer is engaged." Go back to the cycle and stand next to each partner. What's happening outside of session? You might have a withdrawer that's really open in session, but outside of session that person is checked out. Of course the pursuer is still stubborn - she's fighting for engagement. And of course he's checked out - he's avoiding the fight.

During de-escalation it's so important to validate, validate, validate. Make sense with an attachment lens and validate. If you find yourself challenging one partner, you've lost your systemic lens. The cycle really is the problem - it's not a trick we use to make people stop fighting. As you stand next to each partner to understand their position in the cycle and you feel things slowing down, you'll want to first engage the withdrawer. This has to happen before you ask the pursuer to do anything different. 

Sue Johnson often talks about turning into the music that's playing in the background of a couple's negative dance. She offers couples hope: "If you can change the lens and see the dance, not get totally caught up in your own vulnerability or anger, you can acknowledge your mutual vulnerability and change the music."