Confusing Content
A lot of therapists know to avoid following content and instead stay with process.
Here's where we as EFT therapists can get stuck: when everything about the content of a session screams attachment! We want to set up conversations that help communicate attachment longings and fears - bonding conversations. It's so tempting to stay with the content when a client is "saying the right thing."
Have you experienced that? Let's say a couple is recovering from infidelity. It goes something like this:
"He didn't choose me!" (Yet she's screaming this, not grieving)
"I'll never be good enough for you." (Yet he's resigned and sounds annoyed - not sad)
It's so hard not to follow that content. You want them to tell you more. You almost get excited because they're saying the heart of it. But, then the more they say the same words - or different versions of the same thing, the further away from each other they get. And, the more frustrated you get as a therapist. It feels like they've gotten "to the bottom of it" - so what do you do??
A question to always ask yourself: "Am I following content too much?"
You can start by noticing yourself in the session.
If you find you're visualizing what they're saying (maybe it's a story from the week or from the injury itself), you're probably following content instead of following your client.
An easy way to shift gears is to look closer at your client that's sitting in front of you (instead of seeing the story - even if the words are all about attachment). There's a lot happening right there in front of you.
Frustrated that they can't get their point across (pursuer). Frustrated the other person isn't hearing them (pursuer). Feeling like it doesn't matter what they say (withdrawer). Hopeless that even trying is pointless (withdrawer). These are more surface emotions and interactions that push each other away (making sense of the cycle).
If you can reflect what you see, validate the emotions and make sense of it with an attachment lens (tying it back to the cycle) - it gives them safety and space to say the exact same thing, but from a place that can be eventually heard and received.
This picture I used in the header makes me laugh. It's funny because it's true - hugging words (content) is ridiculous.
When people are in their head - not at all connected to the deeper emotion of what they're actually saying, it's not moving or motivating. It just invites a debate.