Tape Your Sessions!

You know that overwhelming feeling: "I think I'm not quite doing this right, but I'm not sure what I'm missing?" I'm confident taping sessions and watching them back is the only way to turn that overwhelming feeling into an action plan. 

I recently taped two sessions in one day. One of them went beautifully and I got to watch it back, see things I can tweak and celebrate the victories. The other one was a DISASTER. Instead of wondering what went wrong - I could see it plain as day when watching it back (but would not have been able to tell you just from my memory). In the tape, I noticed the withdrawer was giving me sort of smart ass answers to my questions. He was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, but doing it in a really condescending way. I was triggered, so I became a pursuer and pushed. I was subtle in my push, and he was trying to be subtle in his resistance. As we cycled, there was no way he was going to explore his inner world. 

I stopped the tape, and asked myself: "What might he be feeling in that moment?" I also asked, "What was I feeling in that moment?" He was probably feeling like he needed to get it right (much like he feels in his marriage). I was also feeling like I needed to get it right. The more he placated me (and his wife), the more I pushed for what he was REALLY feeling. I wanted him to admit it.

After I paused the tape and asked myself what might have been going on in the background, I wrote down what I could have said. Kind of like role playing with the past. My hope is that next time I feel a withdrawer resist or placate, it'll be a little easier for me to lean in and validate, assuming his position is for good reason, instead of reacting.

My "re-do" statement went something like this: "So, when you and your wife aren't in sync, and you feel so frustrated like what did I do wrong this time - all you know to do is let her talk because you really want her to be happy so you can be close again. Am I getting that right? Of course you try really hard to do what she needs. It's important to get through this argument so you can be in sync again!"

Even though I know he's doing it passive aggressively and doesn't really want her to be upset in the first place, I'm not going to push him because if I do that, he won't explore inside and realize that he's actually just placating. So, let's say he gives me "I let her talk" to my question "What do you do when you're feeling frustrated when you guys aren't in sync?" - it's a start and I can validate it.

Also, he's placating for good reason. He wants peace so he can feel connected. Besides, you can always count on the pursuer to let him know how "letting her talk" feels like. Radically validate both sides and show how they feed into each other.