The Pain We Can’t Talk About
The parts we can’t tell
We carry them well
But that doesn’t mean they’re not heavy
Those lyrics. Family movie night and all of a sudden - I’m thinking about you. I took out my phone and opened up “blog content” in the notes app.
This is exactly what we do in our work! We help clients engage with the parts they can’t tell. (Google “The Anonymous Ones” to listen to this incredible song. It’s sung by the character Alana in the movie Dear Evan Hansen.)
Have you ever felt stuck with a couple and wondered if there was something else happening (more than just the cycle)? If I know my readers, you’re likely to blame yourself when you feel stuck. But what if there’s something you don’t yet know?
You’re not privy because it’s the pain they can’t talk about.
It could be an ongoing affair, drinking that’s gone unchecked, suicidality, self-harm, one partner is making plans to leave - the list goes on, right?
I was sitting with a therapist the other day who had some suspicions about why she wasn’t getting traction with a couple. I suggested she have a “meta-process” conversation with her couple - be explicit about what you see and ask for help with what you can’t see.
What’s the pain you can’t talk about?
I’ve seen therapists make up the reason in their heads and take their couple on a months-long rabbit hole. They grab stuckness like a horse’s reign and yell, “giddyup!”: individual sessions to work with trauma, diagnosing and researching resources, integrating other models - not because it was your original plan, it’s just that you don’t know what else to do. You scour your Core Skills notes, listen to The Leading Edge podcast, re-read Stepping Into Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (all great resources, btw).
You do this and show “expertise” before asking. Am I right? You feel this incredible pressure to have the answers and help, and you forget to collaborate.
Some couples are afraid that if you knew, you would fire them. Maybe you’re the only place they feel safe enough to be seen - even if they haven’t taken the risk to be seen all the way. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
Some couples are very aware of the secret they’re hiding from you. Others are so good at hiding it from themselves, they don’t have ready access.
I appreciate that EFT therapists are not quick to give up on clients. They don’t pathologize or assume “I can’t help you/ EFT can’t help you.”
The other end of the spectrum is you’re stuck for so long that you get frustrated, resent your clients and your patient non-pathologizing turns to burn out.
You are not alone in this process, and you are not solely responsible for change. You have a couple right in front of you that asked for this. They are paying money for your help. They are figuring out their work schedules and childcare to sit with you. Use them!
Ask them for help. Where are we stuck? What is it I’m not getting or seeing?
What is the pain we can’t talk about?