Attachment Frames That Live in Your Belly

Attachment Intent. Attachment Longing. Attachment Significance. What do you mean?

Let’s break it down, shall we? It’s awful to feel like you can’t ask, “What exactly is attachment blablabla?” No one wants to look like an EFT novice.

And yet, this is one of the most underused interventions. A huge difference between an EFT trainer’s session and others is the constant attachment lens.

Attachment Language: this is one of the most effective, overlooked interventions. What a missed opportunity! Trying to regulate emotion without using attachment language takes way too much energy. When therapists naturally assume attachment significance, it calms the nervous system.

In order to break down the use of attachment language, let’s get real about it. It won’t work if you just throw in intermittent reframes: “...because your partner is so important to you.” You have to believe in attachment, and not just when it’s convenient for you (like when people are responsive to their partners and hugging/crying on the couch). Anyone can believe in attachment then.

It’s not accurate to say this is an intervention. It’s more than that. It’s a way of seeing the world and people in it.

The attachment frame is what makes this model non-pathological. When you have a client in front of you that is difficult - how do you honestly see them? Do you think about the level of threat they’re feeling from an attachment standpoint or do you think about how rigid they are because of XYZ?

Maybe you think through a trauma lens. In my opinion, it’s better to think through a trauma lens than through a diagnostic lens. However if you’re only thinking through a trauma lens and you’re not thinking about attachment (I’m talking present day relational threat) - this is what holds you and your work back.

Depending on where you are in the process, asking for an attachment longing or assuming one might be a misattunement. You can start with assuming goodwill or positive intent. I’ll give an example (I was given permission to use this):

Someone on my team was showing me a recording of her work. This couple uses spiritual language and the withdrawer is particularly cognitive, avoidant and shame based. He’s also freaking out because he betrayed his wife - his most important person of all time.

As the therapist slowed down the interaction between the couple, she was trying to get a more clear emotional picture of him. His response to his wife’s enactment was logical, cognitive and had a familiar shame narrative. He was reciting what he needed to change so that she wouldn’t feel the way she feels. It was incredibly non-emotional.

The therapist asked about shame (she wasn’t wrong - just misattuned). The client got defensive. Most clients know, “shame is bad - it’s a no no in therapy.” Ironically, clients will feel shame about shame.

This is where I paused the recording.

I saw an opportunity to give this guy a win. Try not to push your clients to own something or feel something. Definitely don’t do this if you haven’t offered an attachment perspective.

Instead of, “Are you maybe feeling some shame as you try to figure out what you can be doing differently?” - how about: “I can see you really care about getting it right for your wife. So much so that you’re really taking the time to figure out what you should do differently. You see her pain when she shares, and it motivates you to change. Am I getting that right?”

Then maybe he’ll feel something. Maybe not - but with an assumption that this client has positive intent (later he’ll connect to the attachment significance of it - with the therapist’s help) - he’s more likely to drop his guard and actually tune into what’s happening inside of him.

The only way this intervention works is if the therapist sees the client through an attachment lens first. Is this cognitive, avoidant, rigidly-spiritualized person a one-dimensional character you can’t feel - or is this person human like you? With a heart beat that’s desperate to not be alone?

That’s something the client can’t access or even fathom - but can you imagine it? And will you intervene with it?

As I write this, I feel a little preachy or judgy (ironically). I really don’t mean to be the attachment evangelist. I’ll admit this much - my work changed drastically after my own EFT therapy. When I got in touch with the part of me that is afraid of being unlovable just as she is - and desperate to feel connected in the most pure way - it changed how I see everyone.

I told my therapist that my attachment reframes started coming from my belly - not my head. Of course I still go to my head. I lose my way and lose the attachment frame. It’s synonymous with me losing myself though. The more I see myself with positive intent, the more I see others in the same way. Even those that are driving me a bit batty.

On that note, Happy (belated) Valentine's Day (the day that should be called Attachment Day)!