Learn to Look for the Positive
Somewhere along the way, EFTers got the message that in order to help couples engage with themselves and each other - they need to process negative emotions. Ok, that is true. However - I've seen therapists over reflect and focus too much on the negative. Without meaning to - they set the cycle right up. Following fear is a slippery slope to following reactivity.
For example, when coming out of an enactment - it's predictable that in stage one you're going to have what George Faller calls a "yellow light" (or mixed response). The partner who is sharing won't share quite as vulnerably as they did when telling you. On the flipside, the partner that is listening will have one part that is glad to see their partner share in a bit of a new way and a part that doesn't quite trust (the fear). The experience of the past which built the wall of mistrust between them is always there. It's waiting to take over any good or positive moment.
If there's any glimpse of something new - some kind of attachment significance in a positive way - that's where you need to learn to go back to and stay. Help couples build their window of tolerance for connection. They're so used to anticipating disconnection (for good reason), that they can't yet stay in connection even when it's right there.
Coming out of enactments - EFT therapists take notice. Are you following the fear and inadvertently setting up the cycle? Or can you try to validate it (succinctly) and then go back to the split second of what was good and new? Help each partner feel that. Expand it. Repeat it. Don't ask questions.
Do you see a tiny glimmer when the partner who is sharing is most vulnerable? What is the listening partner doing? Is there a moment that you can actually see it making a difference? When you validate the mixed response - can you go back to what was new?
There's a culture among therapists to not dismiss pain and the reality of what it is to be human. I agree with that 100%. But, let's not overdo it. Don't assume that every fear needs to be validated and processed. Timing is everything. Move two is your time to process fear. Move four is your opportunity to help couples stay in what's new (and positive).
Alongside pain and fear is a very human and natural ability for empathy and connection. Couples are doing it already (even when they're a bit scared) - train yourself to look closely for it.
I recognize that when the yellow light turns a bit orange or even red, there's an entirely different intervention coming out of an enactment. But, if it's a true yellow (which it often is) - staying in what's new and positive helps your couples learn in a whole body way what it's like to co-regulate. They can start to feel a release or relief inside. That is what they need in order to know how to get back there. They can't learn it if they've never been there. And they won't go on their own. You have to lead the way.