Content Trap: 3 Tips to Prevent It
Getting stuck in content is like trying to choose a paint color. You have so many choice points in your sessions (which emotional handle to follow, how to reflect your client's experience, etc.). When you pick out a paint color, it doesn't seem like one shade off will make that much of a difference. But, wow. When it's up on the wall - the nuance makes all the difference.
If you're an EFTer, you know not to get stuck in the content trap. But, do you know HOW to not get stuck in the content trap? How do you make choices in sessions so that you can end up with a beautiful wall of color (or emotion)? Here are 3 tips. I promise if you follow these - you'll notice a difference.
1 - Do NOT use client words in move one of the tango. What?! I thought "use client words" was EFT gold. Well, yes - in move 2 (when the client is accessing their inner world and you're helping them assemble emotion). I've watched so many tapes with clinicians repeating back client words in the beginning of session, in an attempt to actively listen (adding their own frame and trying to look for emotion). It's not terrible. However, it's a trap. Here's an example of how it could go wrong:
Client: "So, he was looking at his phone and I was like...please! Just listen to me. Why are you always on your phone? Obviously he got mad at me and felt like I was nagging, but if he would just look at me when I'm talking to him I wouldn't get so mad. I don't understand why this is so hard."
Therapist: "I hear you. He looks at his phone, and you're like COME ON! Just look at me! Wow. That has to be so frustrating."
Client: "YES! I can't stand it. And here's another thing he does...."
Ok - so here it goes. Off to the content trap. The longer it goes, the harder it is to reign it in. This therapist (well meaning and with the best of intentions) has just invited the client's brain to think of more evidence of ways she can't access her partner. The therapist used "he looks at his phone" in her reflection (client words). This isn't awful - and you certainly can interrupt later and help to hone in on attachment significance. But, if you want to make sure you don't get stuck in the content trap - try something like this instead:
Client: "So, he was looking at his phone and I was like...please! Just listen to me. Why are you always on your phone? Obviously he got mad at me and felt like I was nagging, but if he would just look at me when I'm talking to him I wouldn't get so mad. I don't understand why this is so hard."
Therapist: "Right. There are these moments that tell you, I can't reach you. And of course you get mad. To have his focus on you is probably like feeling important to him. I don't know...how does that land? You're really looking for, "Am I important to you?"
Client: "Well, I mean I'm actually not important to him. He shows me that every day. Here's another example..."
In this example - the client is still wanting to give you examples (content) of all the ways she can't access him (which is typical). But, at least we're off of the phone example - and now you've gotten a "yes" from the significance of it (I'm not important to you). This is your new focus when you reflect. Eventually, you'll be able to track the cycle and then zoom in on the experience of "I'm afraid I'm not important to you" in the client's body in order to send a more clear emotional signal (enactment).
2 - Use attachment language! This is so important. All your reflections need to include attachment significance from a systemic perspective. So, in the example above - it's not just that she's frustrated. Her frustration says "I feel unimportant TO YOU." Do you hear the difference? Not unimportant in the world. Unimportant in your eyes. And not frustrated in general. Frustrated (and afraid) about my place with you. So many therapists reflect as if they're working with an individual. When you tape yourself, listen to your reflections. Do they include the relationship and the heart of the emotion from an attachment perspective? Pause your tapes, write down your reflections and then re-write them with attachment language. See how it feels to say the new reflection out loud. Remember - it's ok to get it wrong with the client. This is collaborative. Together you get to the heart of it. They can correct you. It's your responsibility to get them on the attachment channel of their brain.
3 - Listen to both partners in move one (before you decide to go with an emotional handle). Do #1 and #2 above with both. The other potential pitfall is if you fail to listen to the other partner before setting up an enactment - they'll tell their side of the story after the enactment. (Enter the final content trap). When that happens - you're back to square one, thinking, "Where did we go wrong and why didn't you respond to that beautiful enactment?" This usually throws you off and you're just tries to salvage the session - hoping the couple feels ok at the end of it. But, what happens is you've essentially set up the cycle. Yikes!
I hope these tips ground you as you go into your next session! Don't give up on EFT. It's such a good feeling when you've got it "in your bones" (as Gail Palmer says). It's hard work to get there, but well worth it.