Relationship Window of Tolerance

How many times have you spent way too long with one partner, trying to get something a little less blamey, a little more primary and at least a tad vulnerable? You work so hard and you finally get there, and then you have that partner enact it. What happens? The listening partner got triggered while the other partner walked down the stairs of their own experience. Sure, they got to a more tender place with your help, but it took too long and the other partner is just raring to defend themselves.

So, the enactment is a bust. This isn't a total loss - you can still reflect the cycle and process the block. If you do this too much, though - you'll lose clients because they'll get frustrated and start to feel defeated. It's actually a window of tolerance issue. But this time, think of the relationship having a window of tolerance (not just individuals). Relationships in distress can't handle you spending too much time with one partner.

The picture above is a small window. Visualize "small" when working with couples in stage 1. Instead of trying to cram a lot of emotion into a session, send experiential bits through a small window, one tiny enactment at a time. Eventually, with safety - the window gets bigger (which means you can spend more time with each partner).

You don't have to have a lot of emotion to do a solid enactment in stage 1. If you can get anything that's just a little bit new, with the partner owning their protective move - that's a great thing to enact. Don't worry about emotion just yet.

Often the enactment itself brings the emotion. Then, you can do another enactment coming out of the first one. Think of the first enactment as the primer - just to get things going in a safe way. You didn't spend too much time on one partner, but you also don't have a ton of emotion. You send that over.

Then, the emotion comes. Now, because you haven't spent too much time potentially getting lost and both partners getting triggered - you have a smaller, more digestible piece that you can work with.

The most powerful sessions in stage 1 don't have a ton of emotion with them. They have a ton of clarity, though. Safety comes with clarity. Then, connection. Somewhere along the way, the emotion comes. But, let it come on its own. If you force it - it'll backfire.