Grow As We Go

Have you heard this song? Regarding music, I can be found hidden under a rock, listening to the same songs that made me smile 15 years ago. Thank goodness I have Jeff, my musical husband that stays current.

Ben Platt. That's the artist that created this beauty called "Grow As We Go." These lyrics show you what a perfect EFT song it is:

I don't think you have to leave
If to change is what you need
You can change right next to me
When you're high, I'll take the lows
You can ebb and I can flow
And we'll take it slow
And grow as we go

Whether you're working with an individual, a couple or a family - as EFT therapists, we must believe that change happens in the context of relationship. I think most therapists would agree with this. We need to make sure our interventions back up our beliefs.

What to do when couples want to work things out separately?

This happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Here are some common reasons (and possible responses) that I've discovered over time:

1. PARTS OF SELF

If, while working with a couple, one of the partners is gaining awareness of parts of themselves (likely a disowned part) and it feels scary - it's normal for them to ask for individual sessions with you or someone else.
I've learned to meet that person where they are. Sometimes this means validating, but then regaining focus in the session. Other times I do some bottom-up psycho-ed:

"Can you help me with what just happened? It seemed we were touching something really tender there right before you asked me about individual counseling?"
Based on the answer...
"I understand that. Makes total sense to me. The wonderful thing about EFT is we get to do individual work in the context of your relationship. We can actually do it more efficiently with your partner present. The access we have to this part of you is much easier to reach when you are picking up cues from your partner. I promise that I'll take it slow and safe - making sure that I only take you as far as your relationship can tolerate."

Then, I would play Grow As You Go. JUST KIDDING. I'm not that kind of therapist (no judgment for those that do that kind of thing).

2. GRAY AREA CONTRAINDICATOR

If you've been to an externship - you've learned that there are reasons to get additional support in tandem to EFT couples work:

If one partner is grieving an affair partner - that's best to be done separately.

If one partner is actively addicted to a substance, individual work with a therapist that has an attachment lens can be really beneficial. It's not necessary, though. I've done lots of work with couples in which they were tired of individual therapy and choose to do the slow work of addiction work (which almost always involves trauma) in the context of couples work. We just can't do stage 2 work without sobriety - but we can do excellent stage 1 work.

If one partner is dangerously close to "out" regarding the relationship. If this partner is detached or maybe in the process of detaching, you'll find yourself stuck in couples work. Be careful, though - sometimes it's actually a protest. You have to use your clinical judgment to determine which it is. If one partner is detached or disengaged in the process, safety can be compromised. An individual session with you, or pausing couples therapy for individual work in order to make a decision about couples work can be a way to make sure the partners have the same goal for therapy. This is a really difficult one, I've learned to trust my gut on this one (no perfect way of knowing).

3. TRAUMA

If there's not an active addiction, but really severe trauma history - it's common to have additional individual therapy in tandem with couples work. Ideally you can refer to an attachment therapist that will work WITH you, not against you. I've had couples come in and they already have individual therapists that aren't attachment minded. I used to sweat it - because it really can be frustrating. But, now I just know to wait it out and not try to convert anyone. It might take a little longer, but eventually - people will figure out for themselves that there's something different about EFT. I think it's an adjustment going from a skills based therapist that a client might have a beautiful connection with to an EFT therapist that is aiming for bottom up change. It's ok - we can hang with that adjustment.
Also, it's not necessary to have individual work in conjunction with couples work when working with trauma. Some couples can't do it because of finances and time. Like with every situation - meet them where they are.