Move One is Your Anchor in Couples Therapy

What's "Move One" you ask? Well, it actually gets confusing. There's a Stage 1, Step 1 and Move 1. Let's break it down:

Stage 1 - Big meta-process map of EFT - Where is your couple in the overall process? (de-escalation)
Step 1 - We're still within the big map of EFT - Step One is "Create an alliance and assess the core issues in the couple conflict from an attachment perspective." This is what you probably do intuitively. Assess, gain rapport, establish safety. You do this before tracking the cycle or accessing any deeper emotion.
Move 1 - Here we go. This is what we're talking about. Move 1 in the tango. The tango is the mini-map - what you do in each session, regardless of where you are in the big overall process (Stage 1 or 2).

Move One gets overlooked. Or maybe it's just that therapists love assembling emotion so much, that they just rush to it. This is where you hear from trainers - "Slower is Faster." The value of Move One is huge. Move One sets the stage for the whole session. It can be the difference of a session being hijacked by the cycle and not.

Move One is where you get the lay of the land and earn your right to assemble emotion. What's happening in the relationship? If you're a fly on the wall in their house - what would you see? How does it go? This is where you try to track the cycle - stuff on the surface. They'll give you emotion in Move One - but you need to make sure you have as much data as possible before you try to assemble any emotion. Write down the handles if you need to (to choose which one to go back to). Don't just go with the first one you hear.

Get BOTH perspectives. This is the biggest mistake I see therapists making in Move One of the tango. You might ask a general question about how the couple sees or experiences the relationship or the disconnection. One partner starts talking and gives you good stuff. You go for a handle. The other partner hasn't really talked yet. You set up an enactment and send it over. The other partner does what? SHUTS IT DOWN. Of course they do. They haven't shared their perspective. You have no idea what it's like for them. Neither does their partner. Why would they receive even a vulnerable share if no one's heard or seen their perspective?

EFT is not just about emotion. It's about attachment. Attachment is about two people. You can't leave the other partner out in Move One.

Don't worry about getting it perfectly in Move One. Get enough data to find a place to work (Move Two - Assembling Emotion). Move Two is where you ask all the things: "What is it like for you? In your body? What do you tell yourself? What's the underbelly of all this? How do you see yourself in these moments?"

If you're working within a 50-60 min session, it's common to take around 20 minutes in Move One (if you start the session on time and there's not much at the beginning chit chat). In Stage One, Move Two (assembling emotion) is less time than you want to spend - there's just not enough safety. You might get 5 minutes.

A lot of therapists get it backward. They spend 20 minutes with one partner at the beginning of a session (and they slip right into assembling emotion). They sort of skip Move One altogether. Then they spend another 20 minutes with the other partner as a response to an enactment (usually a block shows up). Essentially you've set up the cycle. It's “he said/she said” - only with a therapist. You need to get it all out (both perspectives) in Move One. Then transition to working with one person's experience in order to try to share something new (or in a new way at least).

Also. If the couple's cycle is so reactive and volatile and you can't really get past Move One - that's ok. Sometimes enactments have to happen through the therapist before there's enough safety to do it from partner to partner. Sometimes all they can tolerate is your reflection of it from an attachment lens (they can't do a vulnerable share). Or, the enactment might be really shallow and without much access of deeper emotion at all. Sometimes it's through the enactment that the real emotion shows up.

I know it's complex. I hope this brings clarity and not more confusion. If it's muddy - reach out to an EFT buddy or seek supervision. You've got this! We all go about this in our own way. Some approach EFT with intuition and then put structure to it as they start to get their feet under them. Others go for the structure first and then try to bring their intuition.