Ride the Rollercoaster

To be a couples therapist, you are agreeing to ride the rollercoaster. If this is your first time on the ride, I get it. As “thrilling” as it is, you could actually do without the dips and turns. Where’s the opt-out for the upside-down loop ride? Or the one that propels you forward in the middle of the ride with NO NOTICE at all? The analogy falls flat for those who actually enjoy real life coasters because in your experience, it’s fun.

Regardless of whether you actually like rollercoasters or not - this analogy is meant to have a negative connotation for a reason. No one wants their relationship or therapy to be unpredictable. That’s not fun.

I’ve noticed over the years that the more I’ve been on the ride of the overall process - the highs and lows mean different things for me.

The highs no longer mean I’ve saved the relationship for good and I am the most amazing couples therapist in the world.

The lows no longer mean I’ve missed the mark for eternity and EFT doesn’t work, or at least me in EFT doesn’t work.

Now, it’s just “high and low” - par for the course; that in and of itself is predictable.

We learn this as we learn to ride the rollercoaster of the EFT process.

The felt sense for the therapist learning to trust the process of EFT is a parallel to the felt sense for the couple learning to trust each other. The more secure you are in the model, the more you’re able to ride the predictable highs and lows of doing therapy. The more secure a couple is with each other, the more they’re able to ride the predictable highs and lows of being in an intimate relationship.

As we get comfortable with the highs and lows - we naturally model for our clients how they can see those moments in their relationship, too.

Phrases for Clients During the Lows:

“This is ok. We’ve been here before. We know what to do.”

“This isn’t anything new, is it? This feels a lot like your cycle. I can hear the cadence of it. Let’s go slow and see what it’s telling us.”

“I can see how hard it is to feel this again. You’ve worked so hard to not feel this. But, I know all relationships go through a predictable ebb and flow. Let’s see if we can get even more clear about what this particular moment means.”

Phrases to Tell Yourself on Your Ride Home:

“It’s ok. The process still works. You just need to get away from it for a bit. Shake it off, and then go back with curiosity.”

“You’ve been here before. Don’t blame yourself too quickly. Rely on the Tango and call a friend.”

Phrases for Clients During the Highs:

“Amazing! I love seeing you get this clarity. This moment will be so helpful for when you lose touch with each other again. This will be somewhere in your memory. You have a felt sense of really being together.”

“Look at what you’re doing right now! Wow. I want to high five you. You did this! You found your way to each other, and within the context of some really hard places in your relationship.”

Phrases to Tell Yourself on Your Ride Home:

“This is worth celebrating! Give yourself this win. And keep your focus.”

“Whew! You did it. You got your couple to a new place. It feels good. Now, hold onto it for when they forget. You can remember on their behalf.”

The Big Picture

Isn’t the goal of secure attachment to have less highs and lows? The rollercoaster turns into a sunny drive with a detour every now and then. Your couple can find their way back to the main road. It’s not fun, and it’s a bit inconvenient (to cycle) - but the sun and the clear path isn’t actually that far away.

Can you imagine that with your Stage 1 couple? Where good moments aren’t breakthroughs? They feel good, but now it isn’t out of the ordinary to feel good together. You can even have the luxury of taking “good” for granted. Good is baseline.

And what about the bad moments? They’re no longer the end of the world. Their re-appraisal for the bad moment is entirely different than what it used to be. Instead of “This will never work. This is hopeless”, now it’s “I hate our cycle so much. This sucks but we’ll be ok.”

If you feel like you’re still on the rollercoaster ride with your couple - like so bad that sometimes you’re thrust underground in the pitch black night of emotions - hang on! The Tango is the track under you. I promise it’s been tested and it is actually safe. No one is going to fall off into abyss. There are engineers who designed this thing. They’re called bonding science researchers. The good ones are British.