The Cycle Isn’t Always the Enemy
I have two different ways of looking at the cycle: 1) the annoying price of love and 2) a propulsion toward change.
We know that the cycle itself isn’t the problem. Every relationship has a cycle (or negative interactive pattern) - it’s normal and it tells us your amygdala is intact. If you didn’t have a cycle, we would be searching for what happened to the threat response system in your brain. Is it not working? That would be bad (you need this to be able to run away from a tiger in the jungle). Even though every single couple thinks the goal of therapy is to figure out how to do/say/feel the right thing so that the cycle doesn’t take over - that’s impossible. The goal of EFT couples therapy is effective dependency, which includes effective repair WHEN the cycle takes over. So, it’s been established in EFT: The problem isn’t the cycle, it’s the inability to repair (or being perpetually stuck in the cycle).
The cycle is where we start when working with distressed couples. It’s the best data and real-time substance for working intrapsychically. We de-escalate the cycle by using the cycle. We need the reactivity to go down on the experiencing scale (reactivity is a level 3, and we need to be one notch lower to start a process toward lasting change - level 4). There’s no skipping level 3. The challenge for therapists is being able to keep the cycle from escalating so your couple doesn’t get flooded. You want to have just enough reactivity to capture those micro moments in session, not letting the content or reactivity build too far that you lose safety (and your ability to slow down).
Once you’ve de-escalated the cycle, each partner is much more aware of themselves and each other. They’ve experienced each other in the tender places that drive each of their action tendencies. After this happens - the cycle isn’t a mystery. This gives couples the ability to see it for what it is (the annoying price of love). Once unstuck, the cycle isn’t as big of a threat. When it happens, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over or it’ll always be this way. It just means the cycle took over. We know what this is, and we know how to ride this wave. We can find our way back to each other. When couples do this on their own, it’s a huge victory!
After a lot of practice, a couple might start to see the cycle as just part of the ebb and flow of relationship (and the threat level goes down even more!). The less scary the cycle, the less likely it will grow into an unrecognizable monster. Actually, the more practice a couple has coming back to each other - the more security they earn in their relationship. Repair is a bonding event. No one signs up for that (because in order to repair, you know - the annoying cycle), but that’s how it goes. The price of love. You get closer through the messy and hard moments.
It might be that a couple doesn’t need to resolve the thing that set off the cycle in the first place. It could be that once regaining connection, the argument about the dishes is irrelevant. OR - it could be that the thing that set it off really does need to be worked through.
This brings me to the second way I’ve learned to look at the cycle after a couple has earned secure attachment: Sometimes the cycle is exactly what the couple needs because the actual thing they’re fighting about needs addressing. Maybe it’s the way they parent together. Maybe it’s about sex. Maybe it’s about needing support professionally.
See? The cycle isn’t always the enemy. Sometimes it’s the very thing that propels couples forward. I wish we (including myself and my own relationship) could do this without drama. I’ve learned that’s just not how we process emotion - with perfect vulnerability and ease. We’re impacted by each other, we perceive threats and we react.
The peace in the relationship is gone temporarily. But, it’s making space for growth.
In EFT we love to say that the cycle is the common enemy. I’m adding to that: It’s the common enemy except when it’s the propeller forward. Then, it’s the common (annoying) gift.