Taking Sides in Your Heart

We’ve all been there. I felt it the other day. I was taking the pursuer’s side in my heart. It was so easy to do. The withdrawer’s complaint was, “I don’t get to go and play golf like my friends do.” Yikes. I couldn’t find any attachment significance in that. In fact, in my head I was thinking, “Seriously? You want to go play golf while your partner is home with the kids? Really?”

The content is a loop this couple gets stuck in so much. The pursuer wants to have a night off of child duty, and the withdrawer wants “Yes, of course honey” when asking to do something with friends. In a way, they’re asking for the same thing.

But, in my heart I took sides. I’m biased. The pursuer is a woman - who is doing double duty (working a demanding job and taking care of the kids). It’s pretty classic. The pursuer is holding the emotional load of parenting.

In my heart and on behalf of all the unequal relationships, I’m screaming, “I’m with you! It’s ok to want your partner to be just as engaged as you are!”

But, where will that get us? Nowhere.

And you know what? Even though I didn’t say “Pursuer - I’m with you. Withdrawer - you suck.” - I think they felt it. Maybe not - but I’m pretty sure the withdrawer was on guard with me.

It wasn’t until I got more curious about the actual interaction (what happens when you try to solve this problem) that I got a peek into the withdrawer’s pain.

I moved away from the content (which was all about fairness and who’s sacrificing more) and moved toward the actual interaction.

It was only then that I found the gems.

When the couple was talking about fairness, the withdrawer said things like, “I want a voice in this relationship!” That sounds kinda “attachment signficant-y.” I tried that one. It was a dead end. We’re still talking about fairness. And, it’s basically just a defense to the pursuers protest.

The real pain was found in response to the pursuer’s tears.

Me - “When you see your partner’s tears - what are you telling yourself? In this moment?”

Withdrawer - “I’m failing.”

WOAH! So, it’s not about golf? Or even about sharing the load?

You think you’re failing?

What does this withdrawer do with “I’m a failure?”

State a case for not being a failure. And, also “It’s not fair. Not only am I not a failure - here is how the logic is wrong in your argument. And by the way - I want to play golf.”

I think “I want to play golf” is code for “I want to get away from feeling like a failure in this relationship.”

Now, I get it. And, now that I’d tracked the actual pattern in the interaction (not the content of the interaction) - I’d found a tender spot that sort of surprised me.

So, then there was room in my heart for two. Pursuer and Withdrawer - come on in. I can see you both.

The next time you feel yourself taking sides in your heart - use the model to help you. It’s normal to get triggered and secretly take sides. Get curious and follow the tango so you can find out what your clients are not saying.