The Guard and the Prisoner

After the first day of a 3-day intensive I knew I had to be careful. I felt instantly connected to this couple - both partners equally. It’s that dangerous level of connection. They are so lovely and relatable that we could easily not get anything done. I told them. You can’t derail me. You’re too entertaining. We have to focus. Let’s go back to your relationship. Emotion. Focus!

Don’t worry - we were productive.

The withdrawer described a moment on the morning of the 3rd day. He was driving, on their way to the intensive. It felt so good, this connected feeling with his love. As soon as he felt that good feeling, he felt fear creep in. 

Can we sustain it? Will it last? 

He recognized it. He told himself, “That’s fear. It’s a lie. I want to trust us. Stay open and move toward the tender place again.”

I reflected this back to him, noticing his strong desire to keep the connection. And how is it to hear your own words? How much you want to keep this connection. You could feel the fear but you didn’t want to follow it. With tears in his eyes, he said:

That’s right. Because on the inside - I’m both the Guard and the Prisoner. You see, the Guard keeps people out. But the Prisoner is desperate to escape. And it’s so lonely. The Prisoner is so, so lonely.

Here’s my client, spouting out this gorgeous poetry and as much as I want to comment on how perfect that analogy is - I know I have to stay in the moment. Help him feel his beautiful words and share this with his love. How lonely he is without her.

On my legal pad I put an asterisk next to “Guard and Prisoner.” I couldn’t wait to write about it.

Isn’t that true of withdrawers? Maybe it’s true of all of us - but withdrawers in particular don’t know how lonely they are at first. To name this - I’m actually lonely - that’s a marker of de-escalation! And, Hi, Disowned Part of Self! I can’t wait to spend time with you in Stage 2. 

With his own longing and sweet feeling of connection, my client recognized that Prisoner inside. There you are! He’s been locked away since age 9.

I’ve heard before that withdrawers are afraid to be seen and desperate to be found. But, they don’t know in the beginning that there is anything to find. I’ve had many withdrawers say, “Maybe I’m just not that deep.” It’s when they start to feel their own inner world that they realize - Woah! I’m longing for this and I had no idea. 

The Guard is so good at keeping the Prisoner from feeling, talking or moving. My client said, “The Guard has helped me, I recognize that.” Sue says our protection becomes our prison. Yes. “The Guard and the Prisoner” feels like a new take on that. I love this visual my client gave us.

Maybe it’s always this way. Like the moment my client had on I-65 - he felt the cage open and the Prisoner was free. It felt amazing. And then the Guard looked at him and said, “Get back in there! You’ll get hurt!” But, the Prisoner fought back. He wanted the connection too much.

Every time I helped my client focus on his own desire the tears came. He said it felt like exhaling. He could breathe deeply.

We can’t get rid of fear. The Guard will always be there, just in case we need protecting.

And here’s what I love about this work. The Prisoner now gets to choose. Do I need you, Guard, or am I ok? Because if I’m ok - I really want to connect and feel alive. 

And, that’s what we all want. This is true for our clients and it’s true for me and you.