We BOLDLY go to the places our couples don’t want to go.

When you are bonded, that bond is in the very fabric of your being. Physical death is something the heart can't understand, or accept. The physical presence leaves, but the bond stays and your brain can't make the separation so quickly.

If clients can't make the connection between real life (protective behaviors/reactive emotion) and the "new conversation" (therapy - slow and safe), then they'll never actually get to second order change.

As I listened more, it dawned on me that we EFTers always say, "Go slow" and I think (especially for stage 1), we need to change that to "Go boldly IN" - it's a really active move for the therapist. Slow has a passive connotation.

I used to hide the fact that I'm hearing impaired. I wouldn't say I was ashamed of it, I just didn't want it to be a focus. I've always wanted to be "normal." Well. Guess what? I'm not normal - and it's a good thing! (That only came after my own therapy).

A reflection - with emphasis on attachment and emotion is a skill that takes years to perfect, but also the simplest, most effective way of being with your client. Only then, can we intervene and ask a question or help link to action tendency.

"You've always been alone, just as me."
"You know shame like me."
"You're afraid just like me."
"You long for closeness just like me."

I've noticed that a lot of couples think the goal of therapy is to not cycle. Even after we validate their action tendency/secondary emotions - they still get the message that the goal is to just not do that.

I've been reminded lately of how important the F in EFT is (Focus). Clinicians (myself included) get so caught up in what step/stage we're in so we can "go for the kill" and have that magical EFT moment, that we lose sight of the basics.

Just like a writer has angst over how to start a novel, we think about : "How do you start a session as an EFT therapist?"

To define it: when we reframe with attachment, we're assuming the pain is relational. We have to really listen closely to understand and let the pain come - but we're going to go ahead and take the relational stance. That this wouldn't be painful if we weren't meant to be wired for connection.

I imagine it to be like going through a dark cave. EFT therapists generally know the way around the cave. They have the map that fits caves in general. But every cave has to be explored because each cave is unique.

You know how all good things overlap? It seems that truth is truth everywhere. For example, what's true about good parenting seems to also be true about good therapy.

But then, inevitably, the energy leaves. The rut of pain and suffering take over and I can't see past what my clients see. What is attachment again? Emotion matters why?

You know that overwhelming feeling: "I think I'm not quite doing this right, but I'm not sure what I'm missing?" I'm confident taping sessions and watching them back is the only way to turn that overwhelming feeling into an action plan.

Here's where we as EFT therapists can get stuck: when everything about the content of a session screams attachment! We want to set up conversations that help communicate attachment longings and fears - bonding conversations. It's so tempting to stay with the content when a client is "saying the right thing."

As you navigate a couple's dance, trying to understand exactly what they experience - the moves they make and why they make them, they can't help but do the same dance right there in front of you!

On the first frame, I got a strike. I did pretty well for a while, and then I got too in my head and started getting gutter balls. I just can't.